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   Monday, February 02, 2009  

So I think I hit bottom long about the time I posted last week.  There was just so much going on in my life and in the lives of my family and close friends and I couldn't take it.  I was having major issues with stress.  And then for some reason when I woke up on Friday morning, I felt a bit lighter, better.  And I was OK most of Saturday -- had a slight issue Saturday night with the tight feeling chest and the lump in my throat that made me feel like I was going to vomit and just needed a really deep breath or 12.  I took my blood pressure and pulse rate -- both good -- and for whatever reason the scary feelings instantly went away and I was able to go to sleep.  Sunday was good.

I'm a bit sad and feeling pity for myself today -- my friend (epilepsy, horrible comments regarding our plans for surrogacy/potential to have any more children ever) had a c-section today.  Twins, at either 34 or 35 weeks, I can't remember which.  I'll go this afternoon at some point to congratulate them, drop off some gifts.  And while there, I'll visit with the NICU nurses who cared for the lowercase 3 years ago.

I'm just getting really tired of waiting.  Everyone that I am close to has had a 2nd baby since the lowercase was born (several of them have first children who are almost 6 months younger than the lowercase).  Most of them have second children who are in the 12-15 month age range.  One of them has 4 month old twins.  Now another set of twins today (her first was born the day before the lowercase).  And another set of friends pregnant with twins (their first, due in August).

I just feel really surrounded and pathetic.  So very broken...and not the kind of broken that can be fixed by getting pregnant.  The kind of broken that gets WORSE if I get pregnant.  Yuck.

I have an appointment, the first available, for a consult with the perinatologists who delivered the lowercase.  Basically, the local fertility clinic wants everything evaluated before they will agree to see me.  My regular GYN has agreed that once I "have all the information" (which, quite frankly I do, I haven't been dealing with the knowledge of my UU since 2004 for nothing!) she will be willing to perform a tubal ligation.  I don't like the way my body is reacting to birth control pills, an IUD of any form is out due to the malformed uterus, and I feel that this would be the safest method of birth control for our family and for me personally.  She just wants us to be 100% certain that we don't want to carry another pregnancy in my body.

(In the interest of truthfulness, I do want to carry another pregnancy.  In the interest of logic, everyone's best health outcomes and quality of life, it is a thing that doesn't seem like a very good idea to actually do.)

Off to go visit two new babies.

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A Little Pregnant
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