It's funny how when I actually have something worth saying I can't seem to find the words. Things are finally moving in the direction that I've wanted for so long now! And it all happened rather quickly and feels so right.
The one thing that we'd been waiting for to be able to move forward with a surrogacy journey CAME THROUGH! After 18 months of waiting for it to happen, being told that it would happen -- the deal has gone through!!! Just before it went through, I got up the nerve to send an email to a truly incredible woman who was looking for new intended parents. I'd bounced a lot of questions off of her during the entire time we were looking and considering and going through all the what-ifs. I can't explain why but from the first post of hers that I read on a surrogacy message board, I liked her and trusted her. I read her blog and that made me like her even more. She's kind, funny, a bit geeky (in our house, this is considered a good thing!) We started talking and realized we have a lot in common. I absolutely feel like this is the right path. And within days of us both realizing that, things fell into place on this end. It just feels right. Meant to be.
At the same time, I do have to admit that I've been a bit sad this week. I wish I could figure that part out. I think that it's all just suddenly become very real. I'm happier than I've been in a while, but there is a lingering sadness that creeps in here and there. There is still some fear. It's so close, so possible... but what if something snatches that away? Mostly, though, these feelings are fleeting and I've spent more time focused on the happiness.
Last night after posting this, I had a dream that kind of clarified for me the feelings that I've been having. In my dream, I graduated from high school and then went through that summer between then and going to college.
That was the last time I felt like this. I was leaving everything that I had known and even though I knew that what I was doing was right, I was still a bit afraid, I felt both happy and uneasy. I wonder, if I had gone through a normal pregnancy and labor if I would have had the time to feel this way before the arrival of the lowercase.