Since the birth of the lowercase, I've had such a hard time knowing what to do with this blog. At first, parenting was just so all-consuming that I didn't have any spare time to write. Then I got to the point of having only one thing to say and there were only so many ways to say it. So I didn't write. Then we made our decisions, we knew what direction we were headed in. Still, there was little to say until we had made it to actually acting on that decision. So I didn't write. Progress was made, we were moving forward, I was happy and excited...but we were still waiting. Other than knowing that we were moving forward and with whom, well, there wasn't much to say.
After so long in this holding pattern, I'm just feeling a total disconnect in most areas of my life. The only area in which I don't feel that way is in my parenting of the lowercase. But I am feeling it absolutely everywhere else. I wish that I had other words for what I'm feeling. I wish I could analyze it all well and have it mean something. Instead, all I feel is a disconnect. I don't feel close to most of my friends -- we're all in such different places in our lives and families now. I don't feel I am on equal footing. I can't commiserate when they discuss their parenting dilemmas. I have one very easy 4 year old. They all have multiple children and have to juggle their needs. I feel the disconnect with Mr. W -- someone who has been my closest friend and strongest supporter for 12 years. He's been traveling a lot (in fact, we've only been home and in the same state for about 4 weeks since November). I don't feel like I'm much of a priority to him. The lowercase comes first, then his job and somewhere at a distant 3rd is me. I get the few minutes of his time during the day that aren't filled with work or the lowercase. And, more often than not, by the time that rolls around, the time I get involves sitting in the family room watching TV together. More often than not, I'll fall asleep at some point, he'll finish watching whatever show and we'll go up to bed.
So, here I am. Feeling completely disconnected from my life and having no real tether.