I'm still here...sort of. I'm still alive.
I'm busily trying to re-envision my life. Since our match with our wonderful GS and friend ended, I feel an even greater need to find myself.
Most of the time, during the daylight hours, I don't have time to think about my life beyond the here and now. I have an incredible (and active!!) 4 year old boy and our days are full. But in the evening, after he's asleep, I have too much time to think. I find myself unable to fall asleep until 1 or 2 am every night. I don't know where my life will lead. At this point though, if I'm being honest, I have to say that I really don't see there being another child. Not now, and in all likelihood, not ever. During the day, this is enough. I'm not sad most of the time. I'm able to breathe. I wonder though, when those daytime feelings will last through the night.
A few days ago, I got fairly late into the evening still comfortable with the idea of calling it quits with one child. I decided that it was time to do some googling to see about permanent methods of birth control. As search results for tubal ligation and vasectomy popped onto my screen, my chest constricted, my breathing became shallow and I had to bite my tongue in order to not scream NO. The tears came. I don't want that. I don't want to give up. I'm trying to force myself because Mr. W, who had compromised and said we could try has since changed his mind. He's again convinced that his family is complete. So, in the end, I don't think it matters how I feel about it. It's just over. There is no chance. There is no hope. All I can do is pray that I can live with the decisions that he has made.