Thursday, June 01, 2006
Originally I started this blog as a way to pour out what I was feeling after miscarrying (and then again...and again). I was torn apart and desperately wanted to have a child.
I posted through all the tests, the trips to the RE who said that I really didn't need his services despite my uterine anomaly since I had no trouble conceiving and nothing he could do would keep me pregnant.
I posted about our emotional upheaval as we faced our fourth pregnancy. I talked about our decision that, come what may, we were at our last attempt in my body. I talked about how much I wanted to just use a gestational surrogate since our embryos karyotyped normally. But I knew that I had to give my body just one more chance.
And then I delivered 10.5 weeks prematurely. My son was remarkably healthy. Still, 53 days in the NICU takes its toll.
As we sat there day after day, Mr. W and I discussed the fact that we were done. We never wanted to be in the NICU again and all the perinatologists assured us that a future pregnancy in my body would be the same.
Unfortunately, Mr. W and I have a different opinion on what it meant to be done.
He is done. His family is complete. He wants no more children regardless of how they come into our lives.
But I am not done. My family is not complete. I honestly want one more. I don't know if I want to use a surrogate. In all honesty, when I consider the future, I see a little girl with us. A Chinese girl, perhaps. Or South American of some nationality.
And yet my husband is done. His family is complete.
And I am left to determine whether it is better to persuade him that perhaps his family is not as complete as he thinks it is or if I should let go of my dream. If I should somehow find the way to put away my desire for a second child and just be happy with what I have.*
*Point of clarification: I am beyond happy with what I have. I love my son more than anything and am thrilled with the family we have created. I just always saw myself with at least two children. And I always saw myself adopting -- long before I knew that it might be the only way to grow my family.
View Comments (6) ]
[ E-mail this Post ]