Thursday, June 01, 2006

Originally I started this blog as a way to pour out what I was feeling after miscarrying (and then again...and again). I was torn apart and desperately wanted to have a child.

I posted through all the tests, the trips to the RE who said that I really didn't need his services despite my uterine anomaly since I had no trouble conceiving and nothing he could do would keep me pregnant.

I posted about our emotional upheaval as we faced our fourth pregnancy. I talked about our decision that, come what may, we were at our last attempt in my body. I talked about how much I wanted to just use a gestational surrogate since our embryos karyotyped normally. But I knew that I had to give my body just one more chance.

And then I delivered 10.5 weeks prematurely. My son was remarkably healthy. Still, 53 days in the NICU takes its toll.

As we sat there day after day, Mr. W and I discussed the fact that we were done. We never wanted to be in the NICU again and all the perinatologists assured us that a future pregnancy in my body would be the same.

Unfortunately, Mr. W and I have a different opinion on what it meant to be done.

He is done. His family is complete. He wants no more children regardless of how they come into our lives.

But I am not done. My family is not complete. I honestly want one more. I don't know if I want to use a surrogate. In all honesty, when I consider the future, I see a little girl with us. A Chinese girl, perhaps. Or South American of some nationality.

And yet my husband is done. His family is complete.

And I am left to determine whether it is better to persuade him that perhaps his family is not as complete as he thinks it is or if I should let go of my dream. If I should somehow find the way to put away my desire for a second child and just be happy with what I have.*

*Point of clarification: I am beyond happy with what I have. I love my son more than anything and am thrilled with the family we have created. I just always saw myself with at least two children. And I always saw myself adopting -- long before I knew that it might be the only way to grow my family.

[ posted @ 9:31 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (6) ]
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Comments about my post, "":

It's hard. As consumed as I am by #1, I still find myself surprised by the longing I feel for #2--something to which my husband seems immune. At least so far.

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 6:56 AM

^^That was me.

~Brooklyn Girl

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 6:57 AM

You never know how your feelings (and Mr. W's feelings) might change over the course of the next year(s). Perhaps once the trauma of lowercase's NICU stay has faded into the background a bit, your husband will come to realize that the joy is truly multiplied when you have more than one. There is nothing more beautiful to me than the love I see between my kids.

There are so many ways to expand your family without involving such scary medical issue. If he comes to understand how important it is to you to have your family be "complete" you'll have many avenues to explore.

Best of luck. The ache for #2 can be nearly as tough as the ache for #1 was....

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 9:14 AM

I am in agreeance with you. I don't have any kids yet and have always dreamed of what it will be like to be pregnant. But I also see myself adopting. I think I will be ok with only having one child with my genes. So many children need good homes. Don't give up on this dream of yours. You will have your little girl.

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 9:17 AM

Sweetie, I hope you two can come to a decision that satisfies both sides of the discussion. It's so hard, I know, but your case seems just a little harder.

Much love to you.

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 3:35 PM

That's a toughie. It does take two yeses and a no on most major decisions like that, though. Maybe he'll come around (mine did, and I never would have thought it possible until it happened). Just blazed through your archives. Hair-raising stuff. I've done the high-risk pregnancy thing, but not THAT high risk. Jeez. You're a helluva woman, Miss Dub.

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 2:21 AM