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Saturday, April 30, 2005
The one without a title
Ok...we're moving. Really moving. I spent all day Friday supervising as my husband and his friends took almost everything we own out of the loft we have lived in for the last five years and loaded it onto a truck.
I drove and picked up the wife of one of the friends and the two of us began the five hour drive. We got here about two hours before Mr. W and her husband; we were, of course, asleep on the floor when they arrived.
I spent this morning supervising as they carried my furniture into the new apartment. I worried about the wood and the fact that it was raining ON MY FURNITURE! And then I realized that I felt so nauseated I could hardly stand up. We drove to buy patio furniture and I almost had to pull the car over to vomit. Thankfully, I was able to swallow hard and let that feeling wash over me. But it kept coming back, again and again. And then I realized how terribly sore my boobs are. So I bought some First Response tests. But I haven't peed on any of them. I keep telling myself it's too soon. My period shouldn't be here until Tuesday and I've never had good luck before. But everyone here is convinced that the Clomid worked and I am pregnant. So much so that after lunch all three of them commented that my usually lovely peaches and cream complexion was quite green. They commented on the horrific dark circles under my eyes and ordered me to bed. Which meant I didn't have to participate in returning the moving truck, so of course I obliged.
But here I am, 10:15 p.m., feeling like shit. Nausea that doesn't seem to go away, tired, with sore boobs, but afraid to test. And of course having slight fear that I was "lucky" enough to conceive multiples, thus explaining the early arrival of the symptoms. And lets not even go into the fact that I'm really probably not pregnant at all but catching the flu. Maybe I'll test tomorrow. (Forget it, you all KNOW I'm going to test tonight...just waiting one more hour)
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Sunday, April 24, 2005
The one where someone else's life is in shambles
Last night I spent a long time on the phone with my mom. She had a lot to tell me, most of which completely broke my heart.
My parents own a restaurant. A year and a half ago, the parents of one of their employees forced her to quit. The girl was happy; she liked the job and had a lot of fun working alongside my parents. My mom, ever the mothering type, had taken her under wing. This girl, M, lives with her stepmom and dad. In their home, this beautiful girl is just the stepdaughter. They allow her to attend school, go to work and do homework. She is not allowed to attend dances, though she can go to athletic events if she is a member of the team playing. She is not allowed to spend the night with friends or go "hang out." M wants to be a nurse when she grows up. Her stepmother told her that she is "too stupid" and would be lucky if she had enough sense to become a dental hygeinist. [Not that there's anything wrong with being a dental hygeinist; it's just that this girl dreams of being an RN] When they ofrced her to quit, it was because they thought she should work at a nursing home to prove to her that she is in fact too stupid to be a nurse. The home she works at is about 3 blocks from my parents' restaurant and days that her shift ends early, she comes to see my mom at the restaurant and confides in her.
I don't think I've adequately expressed just how bad this 18 year old high school senior's home life is. I'm not sure that I can. M is a sweet, beautiful, trusting girl. She runs track and during a meet met a boy from another school who asked for her phone number. She gave it to him, and he called her the next day. Her parents answered and refused to let him speak to her, stating as reason the fact that he wasn't from her town and that they had no way of knowing whether or not he was a "good person" from a "good family." M, was upset, she called him from her cell phone, and they began a relationship. M's family are devout Christians (in my opinion its a name only faith), and as such have told poor M nothing about sex. Her new boyfriend convinced her that blowjobs mean nothing, and so she did it. And then he convinced her to take off her clothes and get into bed with him (this after she had snuck out of her house to see him).
He then convinced her that she was still a virgin since he insisted sex "feels good" and she was in a great deal of pain. She was pretty sure this wasn't true, but really truly didn't know what was involved (her parents had opted her out of the school district's sex ed class because it was against their beliefs). And then they listened in on her phone call while she told her friend how much she loved her boyfriend and what had happened. Her parents insisted that she take a pregnancy test since her period was late. They told her she was a whore and she would go where all the whores go for tests and birth control, which though they don't believe in it, if she was not pregnant they woul force her to go on like all the cheap sluts do. She kept trying to call her boyfriend and every time she did, he would tell her that he was busy right that second, but to call him back in 5 minutes and then he didn't answer his phone. She was so confused because she thought she loved him and that they would get married some day.
Her parents asked her if she had any clue what she would do with the baby they were sure she would have since they would never accept a child of sin as a member of their family and would offer her no help. She said that she knew that she would never be able to care for a child at her age. She said she wasn't ready for that but that she knew exactly what she would do. She told her parents, "I'll just call Miss W's mom, and get Miss W's phone number. She and her husband want a baby and it hasn't worked for them. They'd love my baby. And I know that I can sign papers where they'll let me see the baby sometimes and they'll be really good parents." Her parents then laughed in her face and asked her why exactly she thought that we would want a child conceived in sin, a child who was sure to be as stupid as its birth mother. And she said, "Because they're good people and I know they will. I know they will."
M had an appointment at Planned Parenthood for Monday. Her period started on Sunday night. Her parents have not let up. They continue to remind her that she is nothing but a dirty whore. They've told her that even though she graduates in early June, they aren't sure where they will allow her to go to college or if they will allow it at all. If they do, they want her to go to a 2 year voc-tech school, or to get an associates because she isn't intelligent enough for anything else. They told her that she doesn't have good enough judgement to go away to school, that she must live with them and follow their rules: she will go to class, come straight home, do homework and go to work. She will not be allowed to do anything else. At all.
M is considering what to do. She really thinks her stepmom and dad love her and want the best for her and on some level thinks that maybe they are right. She's afraid to try anything else because they've convinced her that she can't.
And so, as I start the 2 week wait (positive OPK Saturday am!), I've asked my mom to tell M that I want her to move from the midwest to New York. I'd like her to come live with me, free of charge; to help me with things that I won't be able to do if I do succeed in achieving a high-risk pregnancy. Mr. W has agreed to get her a job working for his corporation so that she can earn enough money to pay for her education. Maybe she will...and maybe she won't. I only hope that she does. My mom is so afraid that M's depression and self-image are low enough right now that she may either run away, attempt suicide, or seek solace in some other boy's bed. Mr. W and I are pretty sure it would be the last; we know that if that is what happens, a resulting infant would be offered to us. And we decided last night that regardless of the outcome of our two week wait, we will accept and we will help this girl in whatever way she needs.
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Friday, April 22, 2005
The one where I admit I'm terrible at this whole blogging thing (and also freak out)
The more blogs I read, the more I realize that I'm just not good at it. I don't like that. I'm used to being relatively good at things and the fact that I can never put my personal neuroses aside and write something worth reading bothers me. But it's a fact that I have to deal with, and any of you who are still reading have to deal with it to I suppose; or, you know, not deal with it by reading someone else instead. Which I fully expect.
Today has been a truly hellish day for me. I've spent the entire day in such a ball of anxiety that I am literally nauseated. And I've further sickened myself by letting this thought cross my mind on more than one occasion: Nausea -- early pregnancy symptom? Logically that isn't even possible. It's only cd 17. Assuming that I ovulated on cd 14, a fertilized egg would not have had time to make it into my uterus let alone implant and start the hormonal roller coaster. But, whatever, I told you, I've lost it. (As a total side note, my junior year of college I wore clogs almost every day from the minute sandal weather ended until it began again in the spring. I had a tendency to slip off of the sole of my clog when transitioning from pavement to grass and was frequently heard to say "I'm off my clog!" Initially it referred to my footwear; I now use this phrase for days like today when logic defies me and I simply can't keep it together. I am off my clog.)
Aside of the nausea issue, there are other things running rampant in my head. There's the fear that we didn't time things right and I won't be pregnant this month. This is not a completely unfounded fear as I never did get a positive OPK. Those fuckers just kept right on being negative even when I began to panic and pee on one first thing in the morning and again in the evening. Now I did notice that one day it was darker than the next, but of course that means nothing as both were still negative. My hope is that it was positive in the evening between. Of course, I have no idea how possible that even is. I mean, how long does an LH surge last? Is it a few minutes? Hours? An entire day? If I tested at 7 am, is it possible that I surged before 7 am the next morning and by then it had gone away? If the test was negative at 7 am, could it have been positive at noon but not at 7 pm? Why do they not tell you these things in the directions? Clearly, Clearblue does not love me!
That fear will last for several minutes only to be replaced rather quickly with, "You totally nailed it this time, Miss W, you're pregnant!" Which isn't the happy joyful thought it sounds like. Because my the niggling voice of my inner pessimist quickly throws in "With TRIPLETS you stupid girl--you'll still have no baby since you have a unicornuate uterus and wouldn't be likely to get full term with just one...now what are you going to do bitch?" (Have I mentioned my inner pessimist is extremely spiteful and pissy? And apparently dislikes me immensely)
But then my inner optimist jumps to my rescue, "No, sweetie, it's so unlikely that you would have twins even that there is no way it could be more than that. It will only be one baby." Now, my inner pessimist can't resist a challenge and simply has to jump back in: "Fine, it may be only one baby, but you'll miscarry anyway. You always do."
And that has been all that my brain has had room for today. The constant battle, am I? or am I not? And if I am, will I make it through the first trimester? If I do, will I be able to carry long enough to give my baby a chance of survival?
I think I'm going to take some time this weekend to try to focus on something else. I may not post again for another week (but what's so unusual about that?) so that I can try to formulate some coherent thoughts. I really do have those (occasionally). That being said, if you want to help focus me, give me a topic to think about. If we're lucky, your ideas could lead to my first ever worthwhile post. Or not.
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Thursday, April 21, 2005
I'm back...I'm alive!
Whew...what a week! I left last Friday to spend the weekend with Mr. W at the new place. He was on call and couldn't come down to me. So, the cats and I drove for 5 hours each way. They slept on the way there. They HOWLED the ENTIRE trip back. Fuckers.
Anyway, because of the clomid and trying to have a baby thing, I ended up staying from Friday through Wednesday morning and the computer situation there is not what I would like. I could read your blogs the day I was in his office, but didn't think it was right to post from there.
Incidentally, I might have gotten some construction workers fired. They are renovating my husband's floor at the office. Apparently they've done asbestos removal already in his area and are now taking up the flooring. The crew watched me walk in through that area and go into Mr. W's office. Then they peeled the tile up all the way to his door (which I had shut). The walls are extremely thin so I heard all of their conversations. I complained to Mr. W when they started screaming out in a sing-song "Lick my balls, sniff my cock, lick my balls, suck my dick" And seriously, WHY did they have to do that when I was about to pee my pants? It's very dark and creepy and dirty and seriously not a place you want to be alone...add to that perverted construction guys and damn it...I suffered for quite some time before Mr. W could come back in to his office and escort me to the bathroom!
But, I'm back and never once saw a positive OPK. Hoping that we timed the sex right anyway. I just really want this to work so I can MOVE ON.
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Monday, April 11, 2005
Prayers needed
Please pray for Zoot... She's had several losses after the birth of her son (now 10). She is pregnant again and all seemed to be going well until this.
Again, I'm at work, and my Mac here doesn't like blogger.
Her site: www.misszoot.com
Go there...support her and pray for her.
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Friday, April 08, 2005
The one where reality sets in
I caved. I said I wouldn't. I said I'd make Dr. P be the one to test, but it's a damn long time until 4pm!
I can't say that I'm surprised with what my bleary eyes saw, or rather didn't see. I knew there was no way possible what with the whole forgettable sex that I now question the presence of. In fact, I'm pretty sure we didn't. But as I said, neither one of us knows that for sure. Maybe I should start marking a calendar with that information, "June 9, boring sex." I mean, I'm really good about remembering the good stuff, so I think I'll only mark when it's less than stellar. Which of course never happens when trying to make a baby.
The moral of today's story could very well be "don't give in--make the doctor do the testing!" Of course, now I have to tell him that I have this boob pain that I never have with my period, and I have my period but not really since it's been entirely spotting since Tuesday with Thursday being the only day with even the presence of red. Fun. But as long as it doesn't prevent him from prescribing the Clomid, we're good.
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Thursday, April 07, 2005
The one where you see how crazy I really am
Because I am not only insane, but also extremely lazy, here is my freakout with the lovely Amalah.
(Side note: WHY does Blogger hate me so? It won't let me link. It won't let me do anything but type and click publish...wonder if it will actually publish.)
E-mail #1, Me to Amalah:
Tell me that I'm stupid. Tell me to shut the hell up and act like a logical adult. Here's the deal. Yesterday I started spotting...not like...real spotting, but just some brown spotting. Today? My boobs hurt quite a bit. And I'm EXHAUSTED and have been all week. And now I can't remember if I had sex on easter weekend or not. I messaged Mr. W and asked him and he can't remember either -- yes, if we did, it was THAT good.
So I'm freaking out because maybe the spotting is the start of my period and the boob pain is just random boob pain associated with the starting of my period and the tired is the time change and the fact that I haven't slept well at all while Mr. W's been away (slept great over the weekend, yet have been more tired this week so far than last)
On the other hand...I know that I O'd somewhere around Easter according to the whole cervical mucus thing. I haven't been temping or using OPKs because I knew nothing from the doctor and what was the point?
But...but...IF I had sex on Easter weekend at all? I could be pregnant and that could explain the spotting because I had implantation bleeds with ALL 3 of my pregnancies to date and that would explain the tired and the boobs.
Except it's probably not because we've been pretty careful about the whole condom thing. Except that we're also pretty bad about using them from start to finish, if you get what I'm saying. So, you know, chance.
I'm a moron I know and could just as easily go buy some sticks to pee on but I keep thinking that would be such a waste of money that I would rather spend on gas to go see Mr. W this weekend if he gets tickets to see Paige Davis in a limited run (this weekend only!) of the Chicago tour...seriously, Paige as Roxie...the only thing better would be to see Bebe in Chicago, but I digress.
So um...talk some sense into my fool head!
E-mail the second, Amalah to me:
You know you need to take a test. You KNOW you do. It's the only way to stop driving yourself insane. It's a cruel cruel trick that so many early pregnancy symptoms are the same as PMS, and we've all gotten ourselves into a state because of sore boobs and spotting only to be disappointed, but still. You won't feel better until test, because if you're anything like me, I still held out hope even AFTER MY PERIOD STARTED because you know, it seems a little lighter than usual so I could totally be one of those women who doesn't completely skip her periods right? RIGHT?
Go buy a test. Go to Target and get a generic so you'll still have gas money. They're all flipping the same.
3-mail, me to Amalah:
Ok...so I've made a decision. (Note how authoritative I sound when I'm really about as strong right now as Jello that's been on the counter just a little too long).
My OB insisted on an exam before he gives me Clomid. It's scheduled for tomorrow. I'm not going to tell him about the whole spotting, boob, tired thing until I get there. At which point he'll immediately send me to pee in a cup and then it is so not me caving and feeling like a damn fool when I see negative. This way Dr. P is the fool. And I can pat him on the arm and say, "See...it just wasn't meant to be this month. It'll be ok. Next month. Next month will be it for us." I'm pretty sure I'll be able to console him. And also have a nice glass of wine with Mr. W Friday night.
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Wednesday, April 06, 2005
The one where I feel like a jackass
I feel I've been remiss as a member of the infertile blogosphere. I haven't been posting much here. Yet I quietly swear under my breath when I click on one of your blogs and see that you haven't updated in 3 days. It's a bit hypocritical of me, when it may have been 4 or 5 or even more days since my last post.
But it's not just in posting that I've been remiss. No, I quit commenting on all of your blogs. I just didn't feel I had much to offer, when often I'm sure you want only what I want: the knowledge that someone else is there, feeling these emotions, going through these tests and waiting periods and treatments. Of course, when my husband moved for his new job two weeks ago, I stopped taking the time to read anyone. While I'm not making excuses for it, I've had tests and papers in my grad classes.
My friend had a baby just after 12 am Monday...her first. Her son weighed in at 5 lb 12 oz at birth and has since dropped 6 oz. I'm pretty proud of myself...went to Babies'R'Us Monday evening; went by myself to the maternity floor, walked past all those happy families and spent a little time with my friend. I even held her son and managed to do it all with a smile on my face. I cried only after I was home alone.
Tonight in my class, I spoke to a woman whom I had secretly hated based on the simple fact that she is pregnant. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. It killed me. And then tonight she said that she, too, had dealt with issues getting to the point of pregnancy. She said she's having twins, a boy and a girl. I told her she didn't look far enough along for "the big ultrasound." And she said she's 4 1/2 months (but very tiny for twins!) and that she knows because she did IVF. She's having a hard time in the class we're taking because she missed the first class--the day she got her positive beta--to celebrate with her husband. Our professor hasn't forgiven her for missing that one class and told her that if she didn't take her classes more seriously, she might as well drop out.
It was those two experiences that made me realize that I simply have to take more time to come here, to be with all of you who mean so much to me. And I'm going to make greater efforts to read and comment on your blogs. While going through this, it's important to remember just how much we all need each other.
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