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Monday, June 27, 2005
Yet another OB appointment update
I woke up early this morning. I certainly did not wake up well or happy, but I was up. I showered, I dressed, and I got in the car with Mr. W. We went in to his office for an hour where I read more of my novel (should I be concerned that in the less than 24 hours since I started reading the book I have read nearly 250 pages of the 516? Should I have bought more than 2 novels last weekend?).
My ultrasound was at 10:00 and they were running a bit behind schedule -- they seem to get referrals from many, many practices to do the 20 week ultrasound, so it was crazy today. But, we did my scan and things were good. Really good. The baby's heart rate measured at 142 bpm, lots of movement. My baby is now nearly 6 cm, crown to rump, measuring at 11 w 6 d...a few days ahead of the 11 w 3 d. Still no signs of blood and/or clots.
We met with the nurse practitioner. They are still leery of doing a pelvic exam and pap smear (which I am about 6 months overdue for, having last had one in late Jan/early Feb of 2004), but they feel there is no reason to think that there could be anything wrong that way and so they want to wait until we're far enough past my bleeding episode such that if anything happened it would not be blamed on an exam earlier in the day/week. I mentioned that I was a little uncomfortable with the thought that my baby's heartbeat was measured at 172 and then 182 at the last two ultrasounds and was only 142 today. She pulled out the doppler, found the heartbeat immediately and then counted it herself: 170 bpm.
My goal now is to just get through the next two weeks. My next appointment is Friday, July 8. We don't have an ultrasound scheduled since they now can use the doppler to hear the heartbeat, but said that they'll send me in for an ultrasound immediately if there is something even the slightest bit off (blood, discharge, odd feelings; or if the baby's position prevents us from hearing the heartbeat from the doppler).
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Sunday, June 26, 2005
The one where I just ramble about nothing at all.
Not much to post about when you spend your days laying in bed. The big excitement over the last week? Yesterday, after having read everything in the house (including the labels of all the canned goods in the pantry), Mr. W drove me to Borders where I was given 15 minutes to walk around and find books to get me through the week. I ended up buying only 3; a Grisham I somehow never read, a Jonathan Kellerman novel (I can't help it...I'm addicted to Alex Delaware!), and Knitting for Dummies. I figure this way, when it's Tuesday and I've finished the novels, at least I have something to frustrate me for the rest of the week. I read part of it yesterday and managed to amuse myself by my utter lack of ability to "cast on" even with their detailed diagrams and simple to follow instructions. I felt so much better when I got to the end of that section and the book informed me "Now you're knitting!" I didn't realize the product of knitting would look so much like...well, like my cat had been playing with a ball of yarn, leaving it a tangled frayed ball of knots.
Some things that I have discovered in this time: My boobs have grown to monstrous proportions. I don't think my Victoria's Secret 34C bras are going to see much more use. Except that I have no idea about the whole new bras thing. Do I just get new ones like usual? Walk into Victoria's Secret (ok, I'm not allowed in the mall...log in to victoriassecret.com) and buy a new size? And if I do that...how long will it fit? Is there such a thing as a maternity bra? Something that might fit me a couple months instead of a couple weeks?
And what about underwear? Some of mine are now starting to dig in leaving those horrible visible panty lines seen only when there's too much body and not enough fabric. But is 11 weeks too small for maternity underwear? Isn't that stuff made for the monster belly that I do not yet have?
Of course, surrounding those questions is so much fear that I'm unable to look at any maternity clothes sites. I'm afraid that something has/will happen to my baby and if that's going to happen, why on earth would I want to have maternity things delivered to my home? Of course, this means that I'm waiting until at least Monday to do anything (my next ultrasound is at 10am; doctor at 10:30).
Now, I know the fear is irrational...sort of. Things have continued looking good even with the incident of a week ago. Wednesday things looked amazing. But, here's what gets me. I have had no symptoms whatsoever...until Thursday night. We ordered pizza for dinner and I had such acid reflux I could cry; took forever to get to sleep and I swore several times that I was about to vomit. Friday I was stupid; I ate leftover pizza for lunch and had acid reflux all afternoon. It finally went away right before dinner...which was nothing spicy at all and resulted in...acid reflux. Saturday Mr. W made omelettes, hashbrowns and vegetarian sausages (I don't eat most meats; only fish and occasionally chicken or turkey). And more acid reflux. Lunch was a salad at Applebees on the way home from Borders, leading to intense acid reflux. Sandwiches and potato salad for dinner -- acid reflux. Breakfast this morning, slight acid reflux (hard to get acid reflux from Life cereal, but I managed to do it!). Is that even normal? To have acid reflux from everything? At only 11 weeks? Or is that some sign of impending doom?
And now? I'm hungry...time for more acid reflux.
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Wednesday, June 22, 2005
My baby is still alright!!!
Home from the ultrasound. The baby is measuring at 10 weeks 6 days; I am 10 weeks 5 days today. This is a good thing. The baby's heart rate was measured at 182 beats/minute and kept it's little arms and legs moving. Also? I think the baby has Mr. W's nose (much larger than mine!)...and a little round belly (very similar to mine right now).
Now, for the really good parts. The resident on duty who told me it looked like I have placenta previa with a clot between the placenta and the uterus just above the cervix? WAS WRONG. The perinatologist I saw today said that he really isn't sure why she would even say that when she is not an expert with the ultrasound (she's in her last year of her residency, but he was quick to point out that she is by no means well-versed in this yet) and, adding to her general inexperience, is the fact that she was using an old and very cheap (read low-tech, no bells and whistles, only an ultrasound machine on a technicality) ultrasound to look at the baby...an ultrasound that is so bad that I was told my baby was just now large enough to be picked up by this machine.
The tech, who is very experienced and using the best (and most expensive) ultrasound available in the perinatologist's office today saw no evidence of placenta previa. In fact, she described the location of my placenta as "posterior." Further, she saw no evidence of blood or clots in my uterus anywhere!
Now, we still don't know why I bled, but it looks like things might be alright. I'm still on bed rest and that restriction does not appear to be going away any time soon. I am here for the next several weeks. I am, however, allowed to go to my last class next week -- on the condition that Mr. W is the one who does the driving.
And that is where things stand right now.
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Live. From my bed. Where I am stuck.
It's Wednesday. I had no bleeding until after noon on Tuesday; that means nothing since 3 am when I was cleaning up in the ER to come home. Around 2:00, there was some red on the tp, but nothing more. And nothing since but old brown blood working it's way out (and again, only showing up on the toilet paper and nowhere else).
This afternoon, at 2:00 p.m. Eastern time, I'll be at the doctor's office. I'm asssuming I'll have an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. And I'm terrified. Completely paralyzed with fear. I've done exactly as instructed: I've continued with my prometrium, my baby aspirin, my prenatal vitamins; I've stayed lying in my bed; I've gotten up only to go to the bathroom; Mr. W has been bringing my meals (and anything else that I want) to me in bed. The hardest part is realizing that even with all of that, it may not make a difference. I could still wind up having a D&C. I may never have* a baby. Or I could be fine. I don't know. I just can't conceptualize what is going on. And of course, this all happens the night that I had finally started to realize that I was in fact having a baby. I was excited. To be honest, immediately before I went to the bathroom and discovered the bleed, I had been watching the videotape of Monday morning's ultrasound. I had transferred it to my computer (OK--Mr. W did that part!) and e-mailed it to my parents and grandparents.
I guess the worst part of all of this is just the fear; the not knowing. I am so very, very afraid. And so confused. I can be ready for things to happen badly; experience tells me that they will. I just don't know how to handle things right now. If they turn out to still be alright, I'm going to be waiting for it to end in disaster regardless. I don't know how I'm going to be able to relax ever again.
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* By have, I mean actually give birth; I don't think I'll be "childless" I just don't know how things are going to happen and that is what scares me.
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Monday, June 20, 2005
holy fuck...not again!!! (WITH UPDATES)
blood pouring out of my body. no pain. don't know what is going on. emergency call to new doctor; don't know where at new hospital anything is, have to have directions where to go when i get there. might post...oh fuck, i don't know when i'll ever post again. to do it i'd have to see my fucking ultrasound pictures. and now i'm crying...been so tough this last half hour or so...damn it.
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UPDATE:
The hospital took for fucking ever. Seriously. They were supposed to immediately page the on-duty OB/GYN from the ER. We told them that and they said "not until you're checked over by one of the emergency doctors. So, Mr. W quietly went outside and called the answering service again, telling them what room in the ER I was being taken to. Finally, around midnight the OB/GYN on duty came in; a resident who does not work for my doctor's practice but does work with them when they have clinic hours in the hospital and may be getting a rotation over at their private clinic. Of course, that leaves out the drama before.
They wheeled me in past rooms with, no shit, police guards. Apparently there was trouble in Gangland last night. Had me wondering exactly where it is I've moved to -- the hospital I went to for my 3 previous pregnancies never had that (then again, they refused anyone without insurance since they were less than 10 blocks from a "charity" hospital). When I got into the room, it took forever for a nurse to come in. When one finally did, she had to put an IV line in -- not sure how it happened, but blood poured from my vein making a large puddle on the floor, coating my hand and even now after repeatedly washing my hands it is caked beneath my fingernails. They asked for a "clean" urine sample -- a bit hard to do what with all the bleeding. I did the best I could and then they never took it -- turns out they just wanted to do a urine pregnancy test, but seriously? Not necessary, so they did nothing. They were going to put in a saline drip, but the two nurses were both too short to reach the bag hook and wouldn't let Mr. W (who is 6'4) hang it. They never did end up connecting it.
The ER doc came in, did an ultrasound. Baby still moving and looking good, heart rate of 171. When the OB/GYN on duty came in, she did a pelvic exam. By then the worst of the bleeding was over. Pelvic exam told us that the cervix was closed and she felt like the bleeding was not coming from inside the uterus based on that exam. She wasn't totally sure. She did another ultrasound, again using the crappy ancient ER machine (seriously, I've seen more high-tech looking water coolers than that thing).
What she saw has me scared shitless. The baby still looked good, still moving, still with an appropriate heart beat. But she asked me if my ultrasound Monday morning said anything about my placenta. She said she thinks it looks like I *might* have placenta previa and that if what she's seeing was in fact my placenta, then it also looked like there *might* be a blood clot beneath the placenta near my cervix. Of course, she also said that the machine was crappy and what she was seeing might not be the placenta and could just actually be my cervix.
So...yeah. I don't have a damn clue. I'm on strict bed rest for the rest of the week, allowed out of my bed only to go to the bathroom, get more water, or go to the doctor's office. I already spoke to their office and they want to see me tomorrow so that I can get some rest and so they won't be too invasive in a situation that's already delicate. I also have an appointment for an ultrasound and exam on Monday when they might let me off bed rest allowing me to attend the last week of my classes.
And that is all I know.
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Even more ultrasound photos!
Ok...I know, I post a ton of these, but I've never gotten this far and things have never been this good. I'm trying very hard now to start conceptualizing this as a baby and not a medical condition. In honor of that, here is today's ultrasound photos, with features marked by Mr. W (he's convinced that without arrow's nobody will ever figure out what they're looking at!) Next appointment and ultrasound: Monday, June 27.
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Friday, June 17, 2005
Apparently Baby W can't hold still either...
A pesky little bugger, our baby wouldn't hold still for the camera. We're told that's a really good thing.
Here it is again all zoomed in. We're told that big circle at the top is the head and that sort of other stuff below it is the body and legs (OK, if they say so). Apparently baby was breakdancing during the ultrasound.
-- Mr. W.
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Tuesday, June 14, 2005
I am a bad, bad blogger!
Seriously, I am. Of course, you know this already. I have some confessions to make.
- I do not know how to post pictures here. Seriously. I have no clue how it's done. The pictures that I've posted before? All done by Mr. W (who by the way, is a complete and total computer genius -- so much so that at age 16 he owned a consulting firm AND was an internet service provider -- rendering my need for any real technical skills void. I don't have to know it if he does, right?). The one problem with this is that if he is busy, or I am too stupid to ask him, he doesn't put them up here for me. I suppose I could ask him to teach me how to do this, but seriously, that just sounds like a lot more work than simply saying, "Honey, put this up for me????" and batting my eyelashes at him.
- I have almost no time left before the end of the month in which to post. The friend that I'm staying with Tuesday-Friday has access I could use, but then... She's a psychologist (a school psychologist, but with a master's degree in psychology and only advanced training for work with children). I'm not sure why, but she thinks that people who blog have some inherent element of their daily lives missing. She doesn't understand why we don't just talk to real people instead of feeling compelled to tell intimate details of our lives to the internet at large. I've tried to explain my reasoning to her...she still comes back to "what's missing that you can't..." So I've given up. She doesn't get the whole "this is *my* support group" logic. All that to say, I really can't write at her house. And this week I'm there until Saturday morning since she asked me to dogsit so she can go into the city for Friday night's Yankee game. (Also, even though I can't blog there, I do check my gmail account almost every day while I'm there, so I do still see your comments and have no problem sending you updates individually if you want them)
- When I get busy, I completely stop commenting anywhere. If I don't have time to write here, why do I have time to write something on your blog? Rest assured that at least a few times a week (or all weekend long) I am reading and catching up on every one of your blogs -- if I've ever left you a comment, or you've ever left me a comment with your blog linked? I'm still reading.
Ok...Confession time over. Now for a really quick update on my current state. I had an appointment with the peri's office (the one where I now live) yesterday morning. I was supposed to be having an ultrasound to check on the baby's progress and a pelvic exam. Instead? I was weighed, blood pressure was taken, pee was deposited in a cup on the counter. And then, a nurse practitioner came in to ask me some questions. We talked for about 15 minutes and then she handed me the form to give to the receptionist on my way out with instructions to come back in 3 weeks. I was in shock, so I just walked out. Mr. W was in the waiting room and expected me to come get him when it was time for the ultrasound. He was pissed when I told him there wouldn't be one. He asked the receptionist who went back and asked the nurse about it. We were told that, "Since there is no more bleeding and everything seems fine so far, there's really no need. See you in three weeks." Now, maybe I'm just a little sensitive here, but these are the same people who a week ago told me I could have an ultrasound any time that I wanted one. These are the same people who said we should really be watching this carefully throughout the first trimester since I've lost all three of my previous pregnancies between 7 and 10 weeks and I am currently 9 weeks 4 days. I have an appointment downstate with Dr. P on Thursday and am trying to talk to him beforehand so we can discuss the attitude of the new doctors. They're the best in the area, so I really can't switch to a new doctor. I'm at the top in all of Western New York. But I am going to call them and let them know how upset with the situation I am. I have to wait until July 1 before they are willing to give me another peek. By then, Dr. P plans to see me two times (including this week). Seriously, I've been complaining about excessive, thick, yellow cervical mucus for over a week, I have a cyst on my cervix, and my history -- doesn't that warrant at the very least a quick poke of my cervix to make sure it's closed? Doesn't the fact that the death of my first child occurred only AFTER there was no more bleeding mean anything? Don't they understand that I'm fucking neurotic now and really need the reassurance? Counting on Dr. P to give me that reassurance. Because this is insane. And now, I have to throw some things in a bag so that I can drive FIVE FUCKING HOURS to go to class tonight. I'll hopefully have something to post by Saturday afternoon.
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Thursday, June 09, 2005
Notes from the...Where am I again?
Tuesday morning at 10 am I had an ultrasound to reassure me that nightmares about miscarriage after watching one happen on a TV show really are not my subconscious telling me my baby is dead; rather they are my subconscious telling me to stop fucking watching shows that turn in to total train wrecks without a moments notice.
My baby, as of Tuesday, is still alive and well. The little one measures at a mere 1.6 cm crown to rump and had a delicious little heartbeat of 173 bpm.
I'm gone all weekend (but will have more frequent internet access at the in-laws) and have my next appointment on Monday. A full pelvic exam (Joy!) and of course another ultrasound (REALLY AND TRULY JOY!!)
Just waiting for the time when I can be happy about it :) Also...on a somewhat sad note, all but one person I have seen this week has noted that I am visibly pregnant. That one person? Said, "Looks like you've picked up a little weight there." My response to her? "Not really. I've picked up another baby and this one is making it's presence known really early." Bitchy woman -- even her sixth grade son looked mortified that she had said that!
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Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Damn Six Feet Under!
I normally love that show. But of course, last night's season premiere with the miscarriage drama? Nightmares all night long -- fun dreams in which I go to the bathroom and the baby with no pain and no warning just falls out. So of course waking up this morning to TONS of dark brown mucus has me scared shitless.
I spoke to the NP at my peri's office and she said that they can do a scan any time I feel I need one to calm my nerves and reassure me that things still look good. I'm going to call now and see if I can get a live baby check. I have to be on the road for my class downstate by noon in order to be there in time for class (6 p.m. and it's a 5 hour drive). If they can work me in this morning, I'll do it. Otherwise, I have to go. My professor told me that regardless of the reason for a missed class, since I have already missed one, she will dock my grade. She even suggested that if I thought I had to miss another class for any reason that I should just drop the class. Not that my $2,000 for the summer would be refunded or anything. GRRRR! Will post again Friday.
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Saturday, June 04, 2005
I bought what? Where?
I can't believe I'm admitting this to the entire internet (or, you know, those of you fool enough to read this blog) BUT...
At just over 8 weeks along, I can not fit into any of my pants except for yoga pants/tracksuits -- basically the elastic pants work while everything else gouges me so deeply that I want to cry while wearing them. My jeans are great -- if all I have to do is stand. Sitting brings about much pain and agony. Beyond that, it's become very humid in the last week. Leading to lots of sweating happening in my workout gear (possibly more than the few times I've actually worn them to work out in). This requires constant washing and since the move I've been able to find only two pairs of these type of pants. This does not work well with the half-week stays downstate where I really hate to borrow her washer and seriously, what am I going to wear while washing my clothes?
So, today I went shopping at a local outlet mall. And I walked into the Motherhood outlet. And literally jumped up and down. Pants! With buttons! That fit me! And still have room for me to grow! And don't hurt! And are more comfortable than my running pants!!! I actually own maternity clothes. Hoping this doesn't ruin everything, but I'm just so comfy right now. I have capris that make me look like my belly really is one that contains a baby and not just that I've gotten fat (as my sweats did). I can actually go out to dinner with my husband somewhere nice and not look like a total slob in sweats while everyone else is in something nice. And I have shorts! On days downstate when it's nearing 90 (as it is supposed to early next week), I don't have to sweat like a foul beast! Am so very excited about this prospect.
But also rather pissed that I cannot find a single Pea in the Pod store from which to buy a bella band! There is nowhere up here that carries them...online ordering better get it here fast damn it!
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Updates!
I have decided that I do not like my current situation of living half the week with my friend and her husband and the other half of the week at home. It's only for another 4 weeks (to June 30), but already it is wearing me out.
My tailbone is in a rather constant state of pain (does this have anything to do with the pregnancy? It's a wierd thing, but it never happened when I drove 12 hours to see my parents, so why with only 5?). I'm assuming it's from being in the car 5 hours at a time and sleeping in a strange bed. Maybe not. Either way, it's stiff and sore and makes me walk like I'm 90 for a few minutes when I get out of the car.
I had another ultrasound on Wednesday -- with my regular OB downstate. I just didn't mention that there had been one on Friday. The baby was so much bigger in just those few days. It may have had something to do with the fact that this was a vaginal ultrasound and not abdominal and the resolution of the machine. Either way, if you compared the size of the baby to the size of the gestational sac, it's definitely a bigger baby now. The wand monkey didn't point out features that I swear were there and that I saw. For instance, I swear that there were flipper-like appendages that I could see -- is that possible at nearly 8 weeks? -- and even dark spots that looked like alien eyes. But since he didn't point those out, I didn't ask if that was what they were (besides, the nurse kept asking me questions about grad school and my thesis).
Thursday night during my class, I completely freaked out. I went to the bathroom and had a rather large amount of thicker yellow cervical mucus. I called the doctor on-call down there freaking out. He didn't laugh at me, but I think he wanted to. He reminded me that I'd had a vaginal ultrasound AND a pelvic exam (btw, the cyst wasn't felt when Dr. P checked my cervix, so he didn't feel he needed to get out the speculum and look), both of which required lubricant and since I had gone to yoga that afternoon, it's likely that what I was seeing was the remains of that mixed with my natural mucus. Made sense. And it hasn't been that creepy since.
When I got home yesterday afternoon, I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch (after breaking a pitcher that's been on the counter since I left Tuesday -- I walked by and it just fell, can't figure that out) with the kitties locked in my bedroom. So peaceful. I got to flip out again when I went to the bathroom and there was some blood in the cervical mucus. Only the one time and nothing since. Not sure what it was. I will tell you that with my obsession for checking the tp, and my friend's frugality (tp at her house made what was provided in the restrooms along the NYS Thruway seem downright luxurious!), I am chaffed in areas that I had NO idea I could be. When I had to give a sterile urine sample at the lab, the wipes they gave me to wash up with burned so badly that I thought I would cry. Bad as it sounds, I bought this travel dispenser pack of Charmin from the travel-size aisle at Target to take with me when I'm downstate -- I get that she doesn't want to "flush her money down the toilet" but there are some things you just should not skimp on.
6 a.m. -- I know I'm tired. Now if I could just go back to sleep.
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