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Monday, February 28, 2005
Incoherent ramblings from my sick bed
I sit here typing from the middle of a pile of kleenex. My husband managed to get a horrible cold on Thursday of last week. I thought I'd escaped it until I woke up this morning. This is going to be even more disjointed than usual.
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Last night I saw Lisa Loeb in concert. In. Credible. Hard to believe it's been 11 years since I first heard her. Still love her. Jess Klein opened for her. Hadn't heard of her before; she mostly plays dive bars in the NYC area. She completely blew me away. She released her cd 3 weeks ago and announced at the end of her set that she had only a few with her. So as she was walking off stage, I made my husband run out to buy it. And get it signed. So happy. Bought the Lisa Loeb Underdog EP--limited edition of 1000 pressed; mine is number 743 (I think...it's upstairs and I'm lazy). Also bought her newest cd, The Way it Really Is. Had already bought all the songs on iTunes, but it's rather hard to have mp3s autographed.
The concert was at The Egg in Albany; a considerable drive from where I live, but I didn't care. So worth it. And the sound there? Awesome. Really great acoustics. And so...intimate. Just, wow.
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Over the past week, I've been going in for morning monitoring to try to schedule my endometrial biopsy for 10dpo. On Friday of last week, we drew the blood, sent me in for the ultrasound. Ultrasound looked great; follicle on the left ovary ready to pop, lining looking good, the nurse told me to expect a call from the scheduling nurse in the afternoon. Instead when she called me, she told me that my hormone levels did not indicate ovulation.
They wanted me to drive back to Connecticut this morning, to arrive at 7 am, for bloodwork. No ultrasound; just bloodwork. So I asked if I could get it done up here. I arranged through Quest to go to the ONLY lab that does same day levels for IF monitoring. To say the phlebotimist was CLUELESS is an understatement. I explained before starting that I had very small veins, that my veins roll and move around when poked. Yet she uses the regular needle, sticks and digs me repeatedly. Finally deciding that she should use her smallest needle and take the vein that was bulging in my hand rather than dig through my arm and wrist to find one. Bitch. She even had the nerve to say to me, "You should make sure to tell people drawing your blood to use the small needle; and warn them that your veins move." Yeah. Even though I had told her all of that not five minutes before. I suppose that we can blame her forgetting that on the perils of the pregnant brain. Seriously -- who's brilliant idea is it to have a pregnant woman draw the blood of infertiles??? Fuckers.
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Today's levels: Estrogen, 242; LH 35. Yes folks, we have ovulation! And it's about damn time. Biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday, March 9. Am very nervous about this.
The scariest thing though is that it may not actually happen. My first pregnancy measured 2 weeks smaller than LMP; OB assumed that I ovulated late that month. Second pregnancy I was using OPKs and knew I ovulated a week late. Third pregnancy, again with the OPK and another late ovulation. Today is cd21 and I'm just now ovulating...again...a full week late. Yet my cycles are still 28-30 days long. Now, if today is cd21, the biopsy will fall on cd30. There is a very good chance that my period could start before they can do the test...and they have to do it 10dpo. I'm extremely nervous about this.
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My husband was asked to apply for a promotion in Western New York. His interview is this Thursday and Friday. He's been informed that he should bring me with him so that we can explore housing, cultural opportunities, shopping, etc. Just hoping that I'm less sick by the time we leave Thursday morning.
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Monday, February 21, 2005
Plans...and why they never quite work out for me
I'd like to thank the Cold Miser for ruining my plans for the day today. Had he not paid the Northeast a visit, I would have started my day with an ultrasound to try to schedule my endometrial biopsy. But, the clinic is roughly 2 hours away from my home in morning rush hour. This would have meant my getting up at 4 am and beginning the drive through the snow at 5 am straight into the rush of commuters attempting to enter NYC just to get there by 7 am for monitoring. Without the AWD (my husband was at the furthest site he is responsible for with that car), I just couldn't do it. So I rescheduled for tomorrow.
I have some other things on my mind as well. I should finish my master's degree in August (taking two classes currently, then one in the first session of summer school, thesis due in by August). I don't have a teaching position lined up for next year but I desperately want to go back to teaching. And my husband may have a job in Western New York offered to him within a couple of weeks. This would necessitate a move some time in April as the VP has indicated she would like for the new hire to start no later than 6 weeks after the job offer. So, I'll be living here alone for a while (our lease is up in May) if he gets it. And I'm terrified because that means I'll have to find an RE there...and my web search has found only two clinics in that vicinity (not a lot of choice there!) and of course I have no idea if either of these clinics know a damn thing about unicornuate uteri.
Trying to take things one step at a time, but I'm a planner. I have to know what my next step is at all times. And right now I don't. I don't have a clue where I'm stepping next on so many fronts. Thank God for all of you; I couldn't do this without your support.
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Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Introducing Dr. Thorough
Today was my first appointment with an RE. I went in expecting to have a full pelvic exam, breast exam, several cultures, and a few intimate moments with the dildocam. The nurse explained the procedure to me in great detail over the phone yesterday. She even mentioned the possibility of scheduling time for my husband in the porn room for some quality time with his right hand.
Instead, we were led to an office where we sat across from Dr. Thorough. He had gone through my file. He said that he was impressed I had had most of the blood work done -- had been tested for the immunological issues, the clotting disorders, the translocations; my husband had also been karyotyped, gone through the Jewish panel disorder tests (he is of Jewish ancestry; I am Mid-Western white bread). All of our tests came back negative; normal on all counts. He said that he was somewhat puzzled. He examined my HSG films in front of me and the bottom sort of fell out of what I thought would be my plan.
He declared my ute fit. Abnormal, yes. Smaller than a "normal" uterus? Certainly. But of a size that could easily expand and contain a 30+ week fetus. So he's in a quandary. I test normal for most disorders that would cause miscarriages in the first trimester past the point of heartbeat detection. I have a uterus that should be able to sustain my baby until it reaches viability. So, since he is Dr. Thorough, he wants more tests. A lot more blood and an endometrial biopsy before we can make an informed plan.
My tests will include several extremely rare issues having to do with killer cells (and why is it that I picture a fertility clinic version of the blob when he says this???) and some test called "CD56." But there again he's puzzled. He feels certain that if I test positive for any of these things that my babies would die before 5 weeks...but I consistently carry to the 7-10 week range. So, for this month, we test in a flurry not seen since finals week 1998.
Monday I return to Dr. Thorough's clinic for ultrasounds to see exactly how close I am to ovulation so we can schedule that biopsy. If it's not close enough, I get to have another ride on the dildocam Wednesday...and if it still isn't, guess where I'll be Friday.
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Sunday, February 13, 2005
Another day, another anniversary
One year ago today I was at my OB's office waiting for an ultrasound. The suspicious bleeding of unkown origin had been gone for just over 2 weeks. At 10 weeks I thought I was going to actually see my baby and get printed pictures. Instead, I was informed that my baby had died. That it appeared that he or she may have died as much as two weeks before the ultrasound.
Yet another day when I feel the deep need to apologize to my baby. My baby who would have been 5 months old now. While I will never have that child, I can only hope that as we move through the next several weeks, we will be able to find some way for his/her siblings to be born.
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Thursday, February 10, 2005
Drowning
Alright, this is it. We're counting down rather quickly to my visit to the RE. I seriously need help. I mentioned before that I don't know what to ask; sure I gave some ideas of the types of questions that I think I should ask. But, um, I'm a dumbass.
I need a list people. A list! Perhaps a bulleted list...arranged by topic...in order of importance! I may be admitting to you the depths of my anality. I need to feel like I'm an active participant in all of this. The only way to do this is to have something written down in my hand. Or I'll never remember to ask. I'll get intimidated and decide that maybe some of my questions are stupid and I won't ask them. And then get in the car and curse myself for not finding out.
Give me some specifics that I can ask about. I know I should ask things about the lab (but what?) and about statistics and a host of other things. All the questions that you asked that were useful in your decisions on how to proceed, questions you wish you had asked, anything at all. Don't let me go into this without a list to use as a tiny life preserver in this uncharted territory! Please!
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Tuesday, February 08, 2005
I am so unprepared for this!
I spent the day my baby could have been born with sore boobs and a period that was expected any minute. But it didn't come Sunday. And it didn't come Monday. And my boobs hurt more and more and I was ready to cry. Because I felt certain I had gotten pregnant again (through a condom no less) and I just knew that meant another miscarriage. I can honestly say that when I awoke to the start of a fresh new cycle today? I have never been more happy to have my period!
But that's not the point of today's post.
No. Today I realized that I will see the RE for the first time next Tuesday. NEXT. TUESDAY. I am panicking because I feel like I should have a million questions for him. But I don't. I don't know what to ask. I suppose I should ask him if he thinks that I can successfully carry a pregnancy to viability, but um...I don't want to. I don't want to risk that. Last night I had a nightmare in which I was pregnant. Twenty-four weeks pregnant, to be precise. And I was having an ultrasound in the middle of someone's living room to determine the sex of the baby. And I was told that it was twins. TWINS! In my dream, I cried and panicked and begged and pleaded because, well, twins generally come early. And the furthest I can be expected to go is around 34 weeks if I'm really lucky...and OH MY GOD I AM MISCARRYING TWINS RIGHT NOW! Yeah...those are the fucked up dreams I have now. Dreams where I'm in a constant state of panic wondering when exactly the miscarriage will happen. Because that is all that I know of pregnancy. But it is because of that that I simply do not want to do it again. Not in my body.
My questions for the RE are going to be relatively few: since I can't handle my own pregnancy emotionally and it's unlikely that I could handle it physically, then what are my chances of success using a gestational surrogate? And then I'll ask him a million and twelve questions about how to select a carrier, what tests will need to be performed on that carrier. And the million dollar question: How soon can we start?
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Sunday, February 06, 2005
What might have been
Today is the due date of my second pregnancy. I find myself contemplating what I might have been doing today. Would I be in the hospital agonizingly trying to deliver my child? Would I be out on a normal day, praying for labor to begin? Would I be lying in a hospital bed cuddling my new born son or daughter? Or would I be at home already caring for my child?
So to my baby I have to say that I'm sorry. So sorry that my body couldn't take it. That I couldn't have kept you long enough to tell you "Happy Birthday!" All I can do is sleep. And dream about what might have been.
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Saturday, February 05, 2005
On this date...
On February 5th, 1999, I was a senior in college. The new semester had just started and, to save money so that I could pay for the wedding to the boyfriend who had not proposed, I was living at home. It was a Friday night and I sat in my bedroom "studying" and watching TV. Allison had called because she was sad over some boyfriend or other and lonely. She wanted to come over, so I told her I wasn't leaving so she might as well.
My boyfriend was in Manhattan. He had a job interview...at night...which I didn't find in the least bit odd. Or, rather, I did, but he had perfectly logical explanations. One of the officers of the company had been in some foreign country on a business trip. He was flying in to LaGuardia that evening and was going on vacation with his wife the following morning. He would not be back for 3 weeks, and since the company really needed a new IT director before that and this gentleman's approval was required, the interview simply had to take place over dinner. My boyfriend and one of the other officers were to pick Mr. Important up at the airport and then go straight to this dinner/interview.
My boyfriend called me on his way to Manhattan from the Catskills. He called me again a couple of hours later from the airport to tell me how nervous he was and that he really couldn't talk because he had just walked away from the two men in baggage claim so that he could "go to the bathroom." A couple of hours later, he called me from the street while walking from the restaurant to the parking garage to retrieve his car. The interview went well but he wasn't sure yet how well. He was really nervous. He needed to go so he could pay the parking attendant and since I had company, he would call me in a couple of hours when he arrived home in the Catskills.
Two hours later, my phone rang and my friend made excuses about needing to go back to the dorm. It was quite late. Around midnight or after...I'm no longer certain of the time. My boyfriend started talking about missing me...needing to see me. I told him that it was only a week until Valentine's Day and we had already bought his ticket to come to the Midwest to see me then. I told him he'd be here sooner than he thought. He replied, "No, I'll be there sooner than YOU think." Confused, I asked what he meant. He said to look out the window. I did and said "Yeah? So? There's a car on my street." He said, "Look again." I looked and the lights flashed. I said, "How did you know the driver was going to flash his li...." I dropped the phone on my bedroom floor and ran to the front door, out onto the porch and leaped into his arms.
He proposed to me on my parents' front porch. I cried and kissed him and said, "It's so cold out here!" I led him inside and sat down on the living room couch. I kissed him and asked to look at the ring. It was then that he informed me that since I hadn't said yes, it wasn't mine. We argued over whether I had said yes and I had to admit that my answer to "Will you marry me?" Was "It's cold out here!" He asked again and this time I said yes. We told my family that he was here, had proposed, and that we were going to go to Steak'n'Shake (for those of you not familiar, "steakburgers," fries, and milkshakes...kind of retro, in a very loose sense of the word, chain restaurant). He called Allison and invited her along since he had sent her to my house to make sure that I stayed awake until he got there and to keep my mind occupied so that I wouldn't question his late night "interview." The only things he didn't lie about was his location. First at LaGuardia. Second, after dinner on the plane walking on a crowded "street"... between terminals in Detroit. Third going to the rental car parking garage to pick up "his" car. Is it any wonder I love this man?
And in case you didn't know before -- I am the most stupid and naive woman on the planet. But I have the most wonderful husband.
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