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Monday, October 31, 2005
Showing off the lowercase...
Here is Baby W at two hours old!
The hoses you see to his head are not providing oxygen or breathing for him, they are just there to keep the airways open and to feed oxygen if needed. According to all the doctors, he is a superstar for being able to hold out without any assistance at this age.
I have never cried like this in my life.
-Mr. W.
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Baby W is here!
Baby W. was born at 4:12am via c-section. He was 2 lbs. 11 oz.and 13.25" long. He is doing amazingly fine. He is breathing on his own. He reached out and grabbed my finger. He never cried, though he did coo when I brought him up to Miss W.'s face. I held him for about five to ten minutes. He is small but beautiful. And...he has hugefeet. Once things calm down and I have a moment to get my card reader, I will post photos. We are in holding now waiting for the team of pediatricians to finish checking him out and getting him situated in the nursery.
-Mr. W.
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Saturday, October 29, 2005
D1d Mi$$ W 3m@il y0u?
Apparently some of you had the interesting opportunity to exchange e-mails with Miss W or, better still, got comments on your blogs from her. Now, in her much more sober state, she wishes to apologize. She was not able to type so she was using the mouse to type using the nifty 'On Screen Keyboard' in Windows XP. I saw some of the messages and they were quite interesting. I nearly dug out my decoder ring from a 1984 box of Honey Comb. =)
The update is that there is no update. No news is currently good news. Contractions are still far apart. We're waiting for the meds to get fully cutoff tomorrow morning. Then we'll really know where we are. We will post another update after the doctors evaluate her tomorrow.
-Mr. W.
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Waiting and hoping...
Miss W is still in the hospital. Overnight she was moved from the high-risk labor and delivery area to a standard maternity room. Her contractions have slowed to one every fifteen minutes and have lessened in intensity. We're kind of in a holding pattern now until all the drugs wear off. If the contractions stay at the reduced level or stopped, that's the best scenario. Otherwise they will seek other options. Ideally she will remain in the hospital for the next two weeks while Baby W matures. More updates will be posted as the situation changes.
-Mr. W
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Friday, October 28, 2005
Live from Labor and Delivery...it's Friday morning?
Last night Mr. W arrived home from work at about 2:30am. At 4:50am, I woke to sharp pains. At peak, the contractions were spaced about 2 to 3 minutes apart with 13 in one hour before waking Mr. W at 6:00am. By 6:30am, we checked in to Labor and Delivery to find that I was 3cm dialated and 90% effaced. They immediately put me on a magnesium sulfate IV to slow or stop the contractions. I also received the steroid shot for lung development. The second steroid shot is scheduled for tomorrow morning.
At this time, the baby is still breech. Contractions were not slowing enough so an additional medication was dispensed called Endicine. They have since slowed and here I lay in bed waiting to see what's next. Contractions no longer hurt, however, they are still very regular at about 5-7 minutes apart. My parents have started the lengthy drive from the Midwest to be with me. For all I know, the baby could be born tomorrow, in a few days or hold out until his due date.
We've met with the team from anesthesia and NICU. They are prepared for a C-section when the time comes.
Updates will come when available and I am not too groggy.
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Thursday, October 27, 2005
Holy hell the contractions!
I tried to post about this yesterday but I clicked "publish" at exactly the same time that our broadband connection hiccupped. Lost the whole damn post. But there's more to it tonight.
I am stupid. I am very very stupid. I, stupidly, assumed that the "stoach cramps" I was having were related to the antibiotic I'm on. I had read that it can cause stomach pain so that's what I passed it off as. It isn't really contractions. Big deal that they come about every 10-15 minutes. That doesn't prove anything. Besides, it's in my lower stomach and not like when my entire stomach gets hard with the painless Braxton Hicks I've had.
So I had these off and on all day. Each time there would be enough of them close together that I thought I should call the doctor, they went away. Proving my theory that it was nothing. Except they did not ever completely go away. They stopped for an hour, but came back. ALL. DAMN. DAY. Ten minutes apart for 40 minutes, none for an hour, 2 in the next hour, none for 20 minutes then every 15 minutes, then none for 45 minutes... you get the idea. No pattern. No changes in intensity from one to the next to speak of. Sure one might be really hard but the next one not so much.
Finally I decided at 9:00 that if my peris weren't the ones actually on call in the hospital it would be better to call the on-call pager early so that the doctor would be awake. At 9:00 I called. The doctor told me that it all sounds very normal for where I am and that it likely isn't causing my cervix to change. He felt that if I had more than six in an hour I should come in to labor and delivery and that if I got really worried I could come in without getting to that point but that he felt the best bet was to wait the night out. Keep track of the contractions, drink lots of water, stay in bed. I don't have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow (Friday) so he wants me to call at 8:30 when the secretary gets in and schedule an appointment to get everything checked out.
I really want to make it another four weeks minimum (that gets me through the childbirth classes that start next week) but would prefer to go another five. But damn. If I'm going to contract like this the rest of the time? All day? With no pattern? And nothing making them stop (left side, right side, back, sitting, standing -- still there)? All I can say is HOLY HELL! And I know they only get worse when it's time to deliver. From someone who has never had menstrual cramp one in her life (you hate me, don't you?) this is already kicking my ass.
(And yes, I am a big whiny bitch. Sue me! I've been in bed for three months people...I think I have earned complaining rights. Also? The lowercase takes after his mother. He is kicking his complaints about these contractions, too!)
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29 weeks
I can't believe I'm only a week away from 30.
I really hope I make it at least to that point, preferably much further.
Last night Mr. W was really worried. I had fairly painful contractions every 10 minutes. Thankfully it only lasted for 40 minutes. I had another one 15 minutes later but then nothing. I have had two this morning. I'm staying on my side as much as possible (left side until my hip hurts so bad I have to go to the right -- spending so much time on my sides, my hip bones have become very sensitive).
This whole pregnancy thing is really starting to get to me. I just am not very good at it.
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005
So gross!
This whole mucus thing? SO disgusting!!!
I had literally about a handful of it earlier today. Some of it is tan-ish in color. Once there was a streak of bright red blood in it.
I know logically that there is blood because there was an internal exam yesterday that was really fucking painful. At first they used the normal speculum which was seriously not working for me. No vaginal action for nearly 28 weeks does not allow the normal things to go in easily. They had to pull out a teeny-tiny speculum which STILL hurt like hell.
If however I still have any blood or brown by Friday morning, I will go in.
I've had a few more Braxton Hicks -- Monday night they were about every 15-30 minutes for 2 hours. Not painful at any point, but uncomfortable. None yesterday but a couple today. I also have some muscle pain in the lower right portion of my abdomen. But the lowercase is active today and I'm content to believe that all is well.
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Doctor's report
I have bacterial vaginosis. The only symptom that I'm displaying is an increase in mucus-y discharge. Supposedly there is a smell associated with the discharge, especially after sex, but being that I haven't had sex since, oh, the day after ovulation 20-odd weeks ago....wouldn't notice that.
The infection (according to webmd) can lead to pre-term labor and uterine infection, so it is treated with a course of antibiotics. At least it's something we can take care of. I was sooo worried this morning.
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A day with no worry? Impossible!
For me, a worry-free day is something that eludes me.
I don't know that I've posted this. Or maybe I have. I've had a lot of cervical mucus for several days. In fact, I had it checked out 2.5 weeks ago and they said all was well.
Starting Friday afternoon, every time I go to the bathroom, it looks like I've blown my nose into the toilet paper in amount, color, and consistency. I'm really afraid that's the mucus plug as many people have told me that they had that a week to a day before they delivered. Still others tell me that it can't be that because that would be a lot more all at once and would contain blood. This, quite obviously, does not. It's just a whole lotta nose blow.
I spoke to one of the nurse practitioners yesterday and she said that I could come in for cultures this week. There was a lot more last night and a lot when I woke up this morning, so I called. I go in at 11 am to have it checked out. I'm nervous about it but confident she's going to tell me that it's nothing more than normal mucus and my cervix is still tightly closed and sealed. Still, anything different and I don't want to waste time. Especially if it means steroid shots will be needed for the lowercase's lungs before something happens. But, again, I really think it's nothing. Will know by early afternoon.
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Monday, October 24, 2005
The results are in
GTT from Friday: 90; NO gestational diabetes!
Preeclampsia testing, including 24 hour urine test: ALL within normal ranges. No evidence of preeclampsia!
All is normal and good right now. They will continue to watch my blood pressure more closely at each visit to be sure the high reading was a fluke.
Am feeling much better about things.
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Sunday, October 23, 2005
Update
Some time after my middle of the night post on Friday my laptop decided to die. Sort of. For whatever reason even though all options were set up right, it quit remembering my cookies and displaying messages that said I couldn't submit html forms. No gmail. No blogger. No commenting on others' blogs.
Everything else worked, but that didn't. So rather than take the time to try to figure it all out, Mr. W gave me his old laptop (he's had it for a year but bought a new one about a month ago). With all that he's had going on this weekend, it was easier for him to change the accounts on this one from his to mine than to screw around with my old one. Besides, this one has a larger, more clear screen.
On Saturday evening, I had Mr. W run over to Target and buy a digital blood pressure cuff so that I could keep watch on things. I haven't hit 140/90 again, but I have been in the 130/80 range (I believe it was 131/84). It's gone as low as 120/70something. But it is not down into my normal range at all.
My right hand is bruised beyond recognition from the GTT on Friday, but I am going in tomorrow morning for a blood draw anyway. They'll have to find a vein somewhere.
As of right now, I feel really terrible. I'm very weak this evening. It could be that I'm carrying a 1 gallon jug of urine back and forth from the bathroom to the kitchen every time I have to pee. In case anyone is curious it was half full before 5:00 this evening. We're not yet to 3/4 full, but I've got to collect every bit until 8 am tomorrow.
Mr. W is working as they are rolling out a new system for full usage tomorrow. He is supposed to be there until they run the presses (he's IT for a publishing company) tonight which is around midnight. I sent an IM to his phone telling him how weak I am right now (after getting up, walking to the kitchen, bringing in the jug, using the bathroom, taking the jug back to the refrigerator and then walking back to bed, I barely had the strength to crawl back into bed). I am just so tired. So tired and so very afraid. I really wish I could just ask Mr. W to come home now but I know that I can't.
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Saturday, October 22, 2005
Insomnia my old friend
I can't sleep. Again. It's after 1 in the morning and yet here I am, wide awake. I'm tired. Tired as can be. But I close my eyes...and nothing. I was almost asleep once. Then Mr. W turned off the television and his laptop and promptly fell asleep. For whatever reason, once those appliances were off? I was no longer sleepy.
Or maybe I am but am panicking again. Over what is surely nothing. We tried to go out to dinner tonight but upon pulling into the lot I got a terrible stomach ache. I went to the bathroom thinking I was going to be ill, but nothing. I decided that I just wanted to be home in bed. I apologized profusely to Mr. W and came home for a dinner of Kraft EasyMac and pre-fab mashed potatoes. Eaten in bed. With a large glass of water.
The stomach pains did go away for the most part -- there is still some tenderness. I keep thinking I should go to the bathroom but I can't. I haven't gone all day so I know that I need to...but will it happen? I could take a colace, but then I fear that if this pain is something else and I go to the hospital the colace will have been a bad thing (seriously, can't go to the bathroom that way anywhere but my house and my parents' house).
So...I'm awake. And worrying about how high my blood pressure was today. Rather intelligent on my part, isn't it? To worry about something knowing that by worrying I'll actually keep it elevated. And seriously, WHY did I read every article known to Google about pre-eclampsia today? The doctor doesn't even think I actually have that! Am a very stupid woman sometimes.
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Friday, October 21, 2005
Because what better title is there than FUCK!
Ok, so first the part that will pacify everyone and not make them worry. My son? He is beautiful. His little heart was beating away at 150 bpm. He is so damn cute. And obstinate. Let's start from the beginning with the un-fun stuff.
Arrive at doctors' office: 8:15.
Go back for GTT blood draw: 8:25.
Totally freak out first nurse who can't find a vein and doesn't think she's good at drawing from hands: 8:30.
Get new nurse who might try: 8:32.
New nurse decides to try hand: 8:35.
New nurse finally finds gloves: 8:37.
New nurse gets blood: 8:40.
New nurse realizes vein has blown and applies TIGHT bandage: 8:42 (after blood has been drawn).
Ultrasound begins: 8:45.
Ultrasound ends: 9:00.
(Interrupting timed list for details of my gloriously beautiful son. He is STILL breech! Sitting happily on his ass facing my back. But still with plenty of room and normal amounts of amniotic fluid. He is weighing in at 2 lbs 2 oz, putting him in the 24th percentile for weight. This is not unusual as babies in my family tend to be very small -- my nephew was almost 2 weeks late and weighed under 6 lbs! -- though we had been hoping he'd be large like Mr. W's faimly since he could come early. Still, is beautiful. Love him. LOVE!)
Pee in cup: 9:02.
Return to waiting room, called back for appointment: 9:08.
Blood pressure and weight check: 9:09.
Forced to lay down due to high blood pressure (140/90).
The resident came in to talk, everything looking good, but we'll take your blood pressure again before you leave. Blah blah, talk talk, answer questions. Nothing exciting there.
Resident leaves the room to confer with peri who is dealing with an emergency in another room.
After my blood pressure was taken again and found to be only slightly lower, they decided what had to be done. I needed more blood drawn to ensure I don't have pre-eclampsia. I haven't spilled any protein, but they want to make sure. Except after two nurses, only one usable vein was found and it had been blown. So, either Monday or Tuesday I have to go to the lab for that blood to be drawn. Will probably do it on Tuesday so that my veins can heal enough (it takes several days). I also have to collect my urine for 24 hours prior to going in for the draw so that can be tested as well (I have only one kidney, so we have to make sure it's fully functional with the stress of pregnancy). In the mean time? Stay in bed except for quick showers, bathroom, etc.
What we hope is that my blood pressure was up because of the anxiety I had all last night about today's appointment -- it was so bad that I couldn't fall asleep. In total I probably only had about 4 hours of actual sleep.
I also have to make an appointment with the anesthesiologists from the hospital where I'll deliver. Since I have severe scoliosis (along with my other health issues), they have to check me out to see exactly what they can do when it comes time. My next peri appointment is in two weeks, however it's going to be a very busy two weeks, what with the tests and the appointments and meeting the pediatrician on Oct. 31 and the start of childbirth classes on Nov. 3.
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Thursday, October 20, 2005
Twenty-eight weeks!
I've made my next mini-goal. I have reached 28 weeks. According to my peri's office, survival rates at this point are 90% with a minimum of 70% of survivors being perfectly healthy with no issues whatsoever. I have read that as many as 90% of survivors are healthy, though some of those do have learning disabilities, speech delays, etc.
Mr. W and I find ourselves terrified of the appoointment tomorrow. A lot will happen.
At 7:30 am, I will be drinking the horrid lemon-lime drink for my glucose-tolerance test. My blood will be drawn at 8:30, immediately followed by an ultrasound. Our first view of the lowercase in nearly a month. I've missed seeing him. But we're terrified that something will be wrong. He'll be small. He'll still be breech. Something. I know that it's illogical, but it's hard not to think the worst, considering.
In other news...I hate Mr. W's job! Last night his work cell had a strange beeping song. Apparently that's the pager sound. Someone had paged the on-call emergency number for a problem that was NOT an emergency. He couldn't log in to some server or program or something...which was NOT required for any time-sensitive work being done. In cases like that there are clear instructions to simply fill out a trouble ticket and it will be handled the next business day. Then Mr. W had to find out why a member of his staff who was in the building at the time didn't respond causing it to forward to our house. Turns out that his employee DID try to respond but the bastard who paged? He said "Yeah, I heard my phone ringing but I was busy so I didn't get it." What the fuck? You page someone for help and then don't answer??? And when Mr. W called (from the bed beside me) I heard the phone ring AT LEAST 12 times before he finally answered! Asshole isn't going to be happy when he comes in to work today because Mr. W did not get enough sleep (he had to be at work before Dell got there today at 7:30...he left almost 2 hours earlier than normal) and he is PISSED that he had to be awake for over an hour in the middle of the night dealing with something that wasn't important to begin with. He's going to throw a fit with the manager of the man who paged him last night as well as passing the information on to his own vice-president, who will no doubt also throw a fit at the pager's manager. I just love it when things like that happen to people who interrupt my sleep. When you're in bed as much as I am, it's rather difficult to get a good night's sleep anyway, so any interruptions piss me off to no end.
Will post tomorrow with the results of my appointment. Am kind of hoping they'll have a better idea of how much space I have left for the lowercase to grow into and how much longer it will be before he makes his entrance. I'm also hoping they'll be able to tell how likely a c-section is going to be at this point.
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Monday, October 17, 2005
Things I learned over the weekend
1. I have the largest pregnant belly anyone has ever seen.
We went to the library around 11:00 to get library cards and check out a prepared childbirth video. The one we wanted had been checked out 20 minutes before we got there, so we got another one (filmed by the ACOG in 1985. See point 3 for information on this.) While Mr. W was at the reference desk asking about the status of the video we actually wanted, a video that was touted at Sidelines, I sat down near the new fiction to see what they might have. After selecting a Mary & Carol Higgins Clark novel (The Christmas Thief if anyone is interested about the heist of a Rockefeller Center Christmas tree; an entertaining and fast read that required no thought whatsoever which of course is exactly what I was in the mood for), I joined Mr. W at the reference desk where he promptly gave up the only chair for me. The librarian asked me when I was due and I said, "Technically January but I'm expected to deliver early." She then said, "Is there just one or are there more in there??" "Just the one boy." "Yes, yes, you're definitely going early. Good luck!"
After the library, we decided that we would stop for lunch at the Red Robin that had just opened up. Of course I wasn't willing to stand in a line, so we went to Pizzeria Uno across the parking lot. Before we got to the door, a hostess came running to open it for me. When being taken to our seat a very tiny waitress laden with an extremely heavy tray stopped to let us pass, saying to the hostess, "Please, go first. You've got a pregnant woman." Every single person we passed on the way to our table (near the back and very close to the bathroom) stopped eating to stare. There were several comments to small children about how 'that lady is having a baby soon.' The hostes insisted that I sit on the booth side of the table and not in the chair as the booth was better cushioned and if I wanted I could put my feet up that way. When our appetizer didn't come until after our soup and salads, the manager came over to apologize and said that he just felt terribly about the whole situation especially due to my condition and gave us the appetizers free of charge.
2. Our across the way neighbors are having their first baby in December. Their daughter is due one month to the day before the lowercase. I find it sad that this is the first time we have really spoken to them since Mr. W moved up here full time in March. In talking to them, they mentioned that the neighbors who had just moved out have their next baby due in March. They have a daughter who is nearing 4, another who just turned two and are now expecting the third. They finally decided that with the number of kids they will have a two bedroom apartment just doesn't cut it anymore.
3. If our reaction to this video is any indication of how we will handle childbirth, we are in serious trouble.
The video showed many couples (our favorite being a couple who looked like The Karate Kid and The Karate Kid's mom) laying on an egg shaped platform. They changed positions every five minutes while the narrator said things about focal points and breathing slowly. Internal focus, external focus, blah blah blah. While watching I kept saying, "HEY -- they're counting! Why are they counting! The old man talking didn't say to count! What are they counting? Is that guy just OCD? Are we supposed to know about counting?" Mr. W's response, "Aye, young Daniel-san."
The video showed nothing about how to do the techniques and failed to give any explanation of why they would be useful, if, you know, we knew what they were. Apparently we should already have known that before watching the damn tape. The librarian is supposed to call us when the other video gets in. Hopefully this one will be better. I did sign up for the November session of the prepared childbirth video at my hospital. I had just hoped the videos would give me a bit more of an idea of what to expect in case my lowercase comes before the end of the third week of November.
4. I could have this baby within 3-4 weeks!
Ok, so that isn't shocking to most of you, but it shocked the hell out of me when I realized it yesterday afternoon. Mr. W was doing laundry and it hit me. My son could be born around 30 weeks. If he is? I have nothing. I am woefully underprepared. The lowercase has no clothing. I realize that if he is born that soon he'll have a hospital stay during which time he will not need them, but still! He has no clothes! And shouldn't we be washing them with that special baby laundry stuff? He needs things! We have to finish the registry! NOW! And holy hell, he needs a pediatrician! We have to pick one! So, we did. I think. We checked out a couple of websites and found one that I think we'll like and it's about equidistant from all 3 of the suburbs we are looking to buy a house in. My job today is to call and make sure that they are taking new patients or that they'll be able to in either November, December or January, whenever the lowercase makes his entrance.
5. We want a sling, or a snugli, or, you know, one of those baby carrier things.
Mr. W and I liked a few of them. Only one problem. I am 5'0 with a short torso, narrow shoulders and generally small build. Mr. W is 6'4 with a long torso, extremely broad shoulders and very broad ribcage (in short, he's one HUGE man). I don't think there's a product on the market that's going to work for both of us. But I have no way of knowing this.
I need suggestions for one that will fit each of us. Buying two is so not a problem, but we want an idea as to which ones people like. Maybe you bought one kind but liked another better. Maybe one was hard to put on while dealing with a squirming baby. So, since my "up time" is so limited, that's your job. Give me your short list of ones that you have if you're small or if you have a very large husband. That way in the next week we can make a trip to Babies'r'Us and try some on to see if there's one that works for us.
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Thursday, October 13, 2005
A post to put something new out there
First, I want to thank all of you for your support. I'm trying really hard to pull myself together and am, for the most part, doing a decent job of it.
I'm beginning a list of questions for my doctor's appointment next Friday. I'm trying really hard to focus on the positives. And I'm being more honest with the friends and family I talk to on the phone or via email.
I'm also trying to get Mr. W to pick random days to play hookie from work and keep me company. At the very least, I'd like him to come home a few hours early every so often. As it stands, today it is 5:45pm and I have yet to hear from him. Could be some time before he leaves his office. Normally he's home by 6 so he's got some time yet.
I've been in agony today. Extreme pain of the tailbone. Hip pain. Acid reflux and nausea from that. Am a bit better now than earlier today but still...not feeling good.
The point is...thank you for being there for me. I really appreciate it. And assuming that my email is behaving, I will try to write to each of you personally to let you know how much your comments have meant to me.
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Honesty at long last
I just spent the last 2-3 hours having a massive crying fit.
I finally hit my breaking point. I started crying because I am no longer "me." I kept saying to Mr. W that I don't know who I am...all my time, all my thoughts are spent focusing on our son. Focusing on how to do everything right so that I don't hurt him and that maybe we'll have a decent chance of coming home with him. I told him about how I want to be happy and actually complete a baby registry and start researching pediatricians, but that doing so indicates my acceptance that I'm having a baby and my fear is that if I let myself become happy it will all turn to shit. How I fear that because every time I've let myself be hopeful when pregnant before I was devastated so horrifically and with such rapidity that I barely had time to process it all before it was over. I cried and cried. I told him that even though I don't really think I'm leaking amniotic fluid (I'm sure I'm peeing myself in tiny drips...I make you all more and more jealous of my life at every turn, don't I?), I just can't believe that everything really is fine. I cried because with the position my son is in (and has been in for most of the last week) I can't feel many hard kicks...just bouncing feelings on my cervix, colon and bladder as well as twisting-turning sensations. He just won't face in a way that lets me have many of those hard kicks to my stomach that Mr. W can see and feel too. And I hate that because it convinces me that things aren't right even though I have no reason to think they aren't. He is still quite active.
In all honesty, I think it's just the strain of having been in my bed for 9 weeks and 4 days. I've tried to be positive and happy and tell people what they want to hear. "How are you doing? How's the baby?" "Fine. Nothing new...no changes, so that's good." I can't bring myself to be honest and say what I mean, "Nothing has changed so I'm sure he's still good, but I'm a wreck. I just can't stop worrying. I can't just be happy and I would give anything to be able to be happy and optimistic -- to dream of a future with my son instead of never thinking beyond the next five minutes. How are you?" Because that isn't what anyone wants to hear.
My grandparents want me to tell them that I'm good, that the baby is good, that everything is going to be alright. It's what they believe, but then, they're optimists like that and are trying to help me be optimistic. I get that.
My mom is convinced that if I had never lost the first 3, we wouldn't have known about the unicornuate uterus and would not have monitored cervical length. She believes that this is just what it is and it isn't going to change regardless of what I would do -- that I could be living a normal life of a normal pregnant woman and it would be just the same. Who knows...she's probably right. Obviously neither of us are willing to put that belief to the test. But she wants that to be so and doesn't want to hear that I'm having a rough time because she's so sure it will be fine.
Mr. W is tired of being scared. He worries all the time as well but instead focuses on what life will be like in January after our son is at home with me. He focuses on what it will be like to come home and hear me talk about how he smiled a real smile at me or how he did the cutest thing while lying in his crib or his joy at discovering the soft fur of our cats. He thinks about after the spring thaw when I'll tell him about taking our son to mommy & me yoga classes or how he slept in his stroller while I perused books at the local book store or took a knitting class and then how we went out for lunch...how I took him for a walk along the lake... All the things that we both want to be thinking about. Yet somehow, these thoughts are enough for him to push his fears out of his head. And so even to him, I lie and say that things are fine.
But they are not fine. Or rather, I am not fine (the lowercase is, don't take that wrong). I am tired. I am emotionally drained. But, at last I feel a bit more at ease because I was honest about how not fine I really am. I told him how scared I am, how lonely I am living in a new city stuck in bed, how I wish that my friends could come and sit in the chair beside my bed and watch movies and talk to me. I told him how I feel like I'm failing at being a mother because it's so hard for me and how sometimes I wonder if this has all been worth it (or if it will in the end because I still can't see a positive outcome much of the time)...how guilty I feel about having those feelings because mothers are supposed to be so in love with their babies that they can't imagine anything else. But the fear that grips me makes it hard for me to let those feelings through even though I know they are there. I told him how I feel that attempting to not fail as a mother makes me feel like a failure as a wife. I can't help around the house; no cooking, no cleaning. I can't do the nice little things for him that I used to do (making cookies, packing little treats to send with him to work, setting up a romantic dinner, going out shopping with him, etc.). I haven't had sex since the week we conceived this little one. Once I was past ovulation, I was put on pelvic rest for the first trimester. They never said we could after that but they didn't say we couldn't...yet we were both afraid to. And then came the bed rest from the cervical measurements and the pelvic rest restriction was fully back. In all that time, I've felt cheated. I wouldn't do anything for him since I couldn't have any fun on my end. And then I lost interest all together. And then I wanted to but couldn't and it made me cry to even think about it. So...I'm just really feeling like a failure as a wife on every level.
But hey...at least I finally was able to be honest. That's gotta count for something, right?
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Monday, October 10, 2005
I will not freak out like the freak that I really am
I have been trying really quite hard to be normal. To be a blissfully glowing happy pregnant woman. Of course, the mere thought of being that makes me want to vomit because, seriously, is that even possible?
So, to prove to you that I can freak out even when there is nothing to freak out about, I present today's entry.
On Friday I had my appointment where they did a full speculum exam and declared everything fine and dandy, tightly closed cervix with intact mucus plug and all.
Now, Mr. W said something about a strip of paper on the edge of one of the slides, which I assume was the nitrazine strip used to test for amniotic fluid, but I didn't see it and, you know, whatever. He said he thought it was blue.
I have been having the problem of constant wetness in my underpants for over a week. Usually it's just solidly wet. I've had a few instances where it's just one round-ish area of wetness. Completely clear. No ideas what it is or isn't. But I was having that before I went in on Friday when all was declared fine. Yesterday I noticed that it dried a yellowish tint and I thought, "Dear God, I'm pissing myself!" Which I totally probably am. I mean, they checked me out and saw no problems THREE DAYS AGO. Nothing is different now so a sane person would assume that all is well.
Have I mentioned exactly what an un-sane freak I am? I've now spent about an hour and a half googling "amniotic fluid leak" and various combinations of the same. I've searched every pregnancy board and general women's health board from WebMD to Babycenter...even the now defunct obgyn.net (or com...or something...some women's health forum that no longer exists except as an archive of old questions). I refuse to post on any of those because no less than eight million women will tell me that I should immediately go in to labor and delivery (you know, where they already know me by name and all run and hide when they see me because damn it woman stop panicking already!) and be tested and blah blah blah.
And have I mentioned that when Mr. W comes in from work in a few minutes I am totally asking him about that strip of paper since I remembered the doctor saying, 'If there is amniotic fluid present this test turns blue." And I'm sure Mr. W said he thought that strip of paper he might have seen was blue. And exactly what does THAT mean? I mean, seriously, they would have told me if it was amniotic fluid. But what else could that blue strip on the edge of the slide have been? I mean, I know they were testing me for various infections and yeast infections and blah blah blah, so, you know, it could totally have been something else. Or it could have been just the tissue paper that sterile slides are separated with to prevent them from scratching/cracking in the packaging. Or a slightly blue cover slide. I mean, seriously, Mr. W could be totally nuts.
Still, I've read that amniotic fluid will have a slightly "sweet" odor. Guess who will be sniffing her underpants after the nightly ritual of the shower. (And yes, I only shower at night when Mr. W is home. I just am not comfortable with doing that while home alone right now.)
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Saturday, October 08, 2005
26 weeks, 2 days
Friday morning I had an appointment with my peri.
Basically, we spent about 15 minutes talking about my concerns, symptoms, things that were going on and what they mean (or don't mean).
Then 5 minutes of listening to the lowercase's heartrate (140 bpm) followed by a 15 minute pelvic exam. The cervix was tightly closed, mucus plug intact. No evidence of yeast or any other infection. All looks good. My uterus was measured and is exactly as it should be for this point in pregnancy.
After that I had to have a flu shot. My arm hurts like a bitch and I'm extremely sluggish and sick feeling all over today. I've gotten a flu shot every year for the last 10 years and never have any reactions or issues as a result; hooray for this year.
My next appointment is in 2 weeks. I have to do the 1 hour glucose tolerance test then. Not looking forward to that. They did send the nasty looking stuff I have to drink home with me so that I can drink it before going in and get it over with the second I walk in. And after nearly 4 weeks we'll finally get another ultrasound. I have to say, I've missed being able to look at my little boy.
I'm still quite nervous about everything, but since it all looks good so far I'm going to try to be calm. I'm doing my best, which frankly isn't all that great sometimes. The one thing I keep reminding myself is that now that I've hit 26 weeks, there are more positive outcomes than negatives and his chances increase by 2-3% every day he stays in between now and 28 weeks.
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Thursday, October 06, 2005
Is that a cocker spaniel in your drain or are you just happy to see me?
I just got out of the shower. The water was not going down the drain. It had made it's way up past my ankles.
I got on my hands and knees to try to take the drain apart but apparently the drain on this shower is retarted and requires a screwdriver. Whatever. I made Mr. W do it.
We found perhaps the most vile thing ever. In the four months that I have lived in this apartment I have literally FILLED the drain with my hair. There was a wad of hair the size of a cocker spaniel puppy that we pulled out. I am not exaggerating one bit. If it weren't all slimy and moldy and disgusting I'd take a picture (please note my perverse pride at having caused a drain clog of such massive proportions). Also, I'd like the few readers I have to return after today and I know you wouldn't if you saw what I just showered with. I will say that there was so much and it went so far down the pipes and was wrapped around the trap so many times that it actually required pliers to help pull it out.
You want me for a houseguest now, don't you?
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I'm still alive!
Today marks the beginning of week 26. Things are still as they have been. I'm in bed. My boy is quite active. Things seem pretty good.
I have a list of questions prepared for my peri appointment tomorrow (including such things as holy fuck do my hips ever HURT and is there anything at all we can do about that??? And what about the acid reflux that WILL. NOT. GO. AWAY.).
I've had a few really rough days lately. Yesterday morning I fell apart because, get this, Mr. W turned off my laptop in the middle of the night because I accidentally put it under a blanket on the chair beside my bed and it was overheating -- the fan woke him. I seriously cried because "I'm doing the best I can and if it makes me happy to leave my laptop on at night so I don't have to type passwords and wait for it to start up in the mornings, can't I at least just have that??? I can't do anything else, and if this one thing makes me happy..."
Yeah. Mr. W is a saint for putting up with me. In fact, he now comes home from work, makes dinner for me and then as soon as we eat comes back to our bed with me where he does any work he may have using his laptop. He plays internet backgammon against me while he's working. He watches whatever it is that I want on television while in here. Then, if he has anything that requires the use of his desktop machine, he waits until I've fallen asleep for the night to leave the room and take care of it. Thank God for him. Most men would not be so kind.
Other news...I'm from Indiana. Obviously I no longer live there, but Mr. W and I share as our overall goal the dream of moving back there some day. I come from a very large close-knit family. Evidence: Our wedding was "immediate family (and close BFF type friends) only." After cutting quite a number of people from the guest list, I invited 200 people who were a part of what I consider "immediate family." They all live in Indiana. I spent yesterday outraged over the bill (I'd link, but you all know about it and if you don't, just go check it out at Julie's.)
I took my time to formulate what I wanted to say, woke up this morning and read The Star online (Indianapolis paper) and was thrilled to see it was dropped.
I emailed those on the committee anyway to let them know exactly why I (and my very large family and friends who reside and vote in Indiana) are opposed to the bill. Now, I didn't give examples of why I think all parts of the bill are wrong. I only included the portions that are pertinent to my life -- the section on gestational surrogacy. Because I can't be on bed rest like this and raise my son (assuming the best here and trying to be positive), I won't be pregnant again. It's been too hard and the cost (primarily emotional) has been too high. Our family will grow in the future through gestational surrogacy and/or international adoption. When (if?) we choose to begin a gestational surrogacy agreement, it would likely be with a close friend or family member as the carrier and that means that she would likely live in Indiana (Mr. W's family simply cannot be trusted. Seriously.). This bill will directly affect us.
If you haven't done so already, I urge you to let your voices be heard. Write to the members of the Indiana committee and let them know why they were wrong and how it would affect you. Write to your own state's legislators and let them know that you know about the bill that was dropped in Indiana and make sure that they understand that you do not want something similar in your own state.
And now? I'm off my soapbox for a bit and off to continue being all conservative and domestic as I work on my little cross-stitch project (from Hell -- seriously, who knew a Christmas stocking would take so long?).
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Guess where I won't be going tonight!
Give up?
I will not be going to childbirth classes! The instructor cancelled because too few people are registered. There were enough, but then the one couple that put them over the minimum dropped out this morning.
They wanted to reschedule me for November's classes, but, you know...not such a good idea since they start November 3 -- the day I reach 30 weeks. Now, it's highly possible that my lowercase will be delivered any time around that date. Seriously, no doctor was willing to say that I could go further than 30 weeks. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I might even go before then. The peri's office wants me to get to at least 28 weeks. What a fun time.
Friday we have an appointment so we'll discuss our other options then. They're going to have one of the RNs look up other classes (private and at other hospitals) and schedules and times that Mr. W and I can visit the hospital for a tour of the NICU and learn how things work beyond L&D triage (that? I totally know about).
So...fun for me. Or, not so much. Am very nervous/scared about everything right now. Hoping to keep my shit together, but, you know...am losing it rapidly.
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Monday, October 03, 2005
The fun never ends!
I'm waiting on a call back from the doctor's office. They said I should call if there were four Braxton Hicks in an hour.
So far today:
12:06 pm
12:32 pm
12:43 pm
12:56 pm
None have lasted more than 30 seconds and the whole time the lowercase was wiggling like crazy immediately before and after each one.
I am (of course) still in bed and working on my 2nd large bottle of water. Which I managed to choke on slightly while sitting up so I could go in to the bathroom. I coughed and coughed and pulled a damn muscle in my lower stomach!
So now? A little concerned about the contractions and whether or not I could be heading for pre-term labor (I've been panicking all weekend about my mucus plug because the usually slimy mucus was more gooey) and in serious pain every time I move because of the pulled muscle.
Anyone want to trade bodies for a little while? Like say the next month? Once we get into November I'll be alright because I'll know the lowercase's chances will be really quite good. I just can't deal right now.
And yes, I did look up success and health rates for 26 weeks (I'll reach that Thursday) this morning. If I get to that point, 20% of babies born then don't make it while 16% have mild-severe disabilities and 64% not only live but grow up healthy. I'm still scared. More are healthy than aren't, but I'm just so damn scared all the time.
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UPDATE: 1:35 pm phone call returned from the doctor's office. Because I have had no further contractions and none of them lasted more than 30 seconds, they think there is likely nothing happening cervix-wise. If they come back again and don't go away with hydration or if they change in intensity or there is any leakage of fluids/blood, I have to call again. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.
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Sunday, October 02, 2005
Overheard in our office
As I lay on the guest bed and Mr. W is busily working at his desk while playing mp3s
Mr. W: Are you lying in bed?
Me: ??
Mr. W: You know...like Brian Wilson?
Me: HOLY FUCK! I HAVE TURNED INTO BRIAN FUCKING WILSON!!!
Now stuck in my head..."There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to..."
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