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Sunday, October 31, 2004
History repeats itself
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I think it is. Right now. I was just sitting on the couch on the phone. And the bleeding started. I didn't notice it until I had bled through my panties. It's only been about 15 minutes since I discovered this. It's not as hard now. But oh my god. I know what this means. I just know.
I have two options. I can sit at home, prop my feet up and relax. I can go to the ER and have an ultrasound. My husband called the emergency number back. He's going to talk to the doctor and find out how long the wait will be if I go in. Because I am a wreck. I can't keep doing this. I can't I can't I can't. And even if this isn't what I think this is (but really, I'm sure it is. It always is.) well, then, how do I go on like this? When I can fall apart so easily.
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Saturday, October 30, 2004
Haunted
I need to get a lot of things out tonight. Things that I've been thinking of. Things that really haunt me.
My second miscarriage, in June, was diagnosed via ultrasound at 7 weeks. Blighted ovum. Gestational sac, completely empty. Nothing. The thing is, I didn't request a second ultrasound. I knew what I should see and I didn't see it. But this is why I'm scared. My first pregnancy consistently measured 2 weeks small until I miscarried at 10 weeks. My current pregnancy, I charted and did the OPKs and I know I ovulated late. I think my fear is becoming obvious. What if, instead of 7 weeks, I was really only 5? Did I terminate a possibly viable pregnancy? I was in such a state of shock that I can honestly say I don't remember seeing a yolk sac or a fetal pole. In my head, I know that I did the right thing. It's just that....what if I didn't?
Ok, so that's something that I've been thinking about. I think about that during the few rare minutes when I'm not thinking about my current pregnancy. I'm so scared. I don't know how to, well, be. I want to be happy. I'm trying to be happy. But the fact that I didn't see a heartbeat last week has me worried. I should have been just shy of 6 weeks when I had my ultrasound. I'm really trying hard to get through the next 3 days so that when Wednesday morning comes I'll be calm, and ready. But, I don't know how to do that. I panic each time I go to the bathroom, thinking maybe that time will be when the bleeding really starts. I panic each time I move wondering if the tenderness in my boobs has lessened. And even as I type this, with acid reflux so bad that I had to leave the restaurant we were eating in early tonight, I wonder why I don't just feel like a normal pregnant woman.
I want to be that woman who can say to the world "I'm pregnant!" I want to be able to say it right now. And I want to be the woman who doesn't have to then un-tell those people. I just don't know what to do, how to handle this. Help. Please. What do I do now?
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Thursday, October 28, 2004
Expecting
Today is my appointment with Dr. P. I'm a bit nervous about that. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I've never really had good luck that lasts.
I also feel really strange. I went to class last night and before it started was talking to the woman next to me. She has been in every class of mine for a year and a half. She's nice. We always end up sitting near each other. Last night she was telling me how sick she was and just tired and didn't want to be there. And I said, "Yeah, same here." She asked about an extra assignment our professor had added to help bring up mid-term grades. I said that I had one of those weeks where I just couldn't do it. So much going on. That I'm back in the middle of well, all the craziness that I was going through last year. And she said are you? ARE YOU? I just nodded. She said "I'm 7 weeks, how far are you????" I told her that I'm roughly 6 (give or take a day or two...knowing when I ovulated, different calculators are saying different things, grrrr!). She said her ultrasound is next week and asked how far I was each time I lost one previously and did I have a normal ultrasound in either. I explained that the first one my ultrasounds were always good, until the final one at 10 weeks. So she asked what her baby would look like so she would know it when she saw it and not have to wait for it to be pointed out. And then I did something bad. I scared her. I told her that I was pretty sure she would have to have a vaginal ultrasound because it was early (my doctor's office did all vaginal ultrasounds until I was 8 weeks, then at 10 weeks, they tried the abdominal). She had never heard of a vaginal ultrasound. So I described the lovely dildocam to her. She said she would have screamed if they sprung that one on her and she wasn't prepared that it could be.
How sad is it though, that instead of thinking "we'll be delivering at roughly the same time, in the same hospital," I thought "Fuck, now I'm going to have to look at her after my baby is gone and she's still got hers." It really drives home what my expectations are. I've got to stop that. I need to stop being pregnant. And start expecting a baby.
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Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Enough with my whining already
Yes, I am worried for myself, but I know I will be ok. One way or another, I'm going to make it through this.
But right now, read this. And this.
And then pray for Cecily.
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**Me and my big fucking mouth! NOW with updates!**
I just had to go and say there was no blood. Tempt fate with the whole "maybe I don't need the Prometrium" thing. Fucking stupid!
I went to the bathroom. The mucus that used to be a light tan color? Now is laced with RED. So my ultrasound is not, in fact, tomorrow afternoon. No. It is today. At 3:15 unless someone cancels. But seriously, we're all so busy trying to get ourselves scheduled in to these appointments--WHO cancels??? I just have to stay calm until then. Calm. Remind myself that the first time when I bled nonstop it was never uterine. That they determined I had a "sensitive cervix" and am "just a bleeder." That when a blood vessel on the cervix ruptures you can lose up to a teaspoon of blood at once. Yeah. I need to remember that. I need to stay calm.
Why is this whole process so hard? Why can't it just be all smooth and sweetness and light? WHY????
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UPDATE
Back from my ultrasound. Gestational sac: check. Yolk sac: check. No heartbeat yet, but that is to be expected as I'm not quite 6 weeks yet. The doctor says that my gestational sac is measuring where it should based on hormone levels. He said the scan showed NO indication of bleeding, so whatever that came from, it was NOT from my baby! He definitely wants me to have another ultrasound sometime within the next one to two weeks, the longer I wait the better. But seriously? How long can I wait? I even said that to him: With my history, how long do you really think I can hold out? And he said that he knows how nerve wracking this can be. He assured me he would pass it on to Dr. P and he can take it from here. So, thank you Dr. T, you sweet sweet man. Now give me back Dr. P's harsh reality and aggressive lets scan till the cows come home* attitude.
*Not possessing any cows personally, I could be scanning for quite some time.
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Update time!
Yesterday morning, Dr. P called me at 9:07 (his office opens at 9!) with the results of the bloodwork from Friday. My progesterone is soaring to over 200. I'm hoping this means that I can stop with the Prometrium someday. Or not. Because I am not bleeding and not bleeding is a good thing (though [and this IS disgusting, so Aaron, don't read it!] I have a huge amount of cervical mucus. It's like my vagina is blowing it's nose into my panties NONSTOP. And frequently, said mucus has a light tan tint to it. Hoping that doesn't mean anything). My HCG has risen to over 6,300! If I could read my writing I would know exactly, but it was either 6,345 or 6,385. Much more than doubling. More like doubling and a half and then a little bit more. I'll take it.
And then Dr. P made me fall in love with him all over again. He said, "I don't think you need to have a blood draw today. Instead, lets take a break. Let's do an ultrasound Thursday and then come see me after. I'm not in the main office Thursday, so your appointments will be in different towns, is that ok?" Letting me see my baby right away? Getting me the answers that I crave? Making this all a little more real, for better or for worse? Fuck yeah it's ok!
Unfortunately, the only u/s appointment available was at the exact same time as the only appointment available with Dr. P. So his nurse scheduled my ultrasound for Wednesday afternoon and my appointment with Dr. P for Thursday morning. According to my O date, I should be at exactly 6 weeks when I have my ultrasound. I might see a heartbeat. I might not, but I won't be scared if I don't. Note how I tell that particular lie so easily. I'll flip out. But I can guarantee you that Dr. P will know it if I'm scared and order another one to calm me down. He's good like that. Of course, the fact that he is personally invested and views my safe pregnancy culminating in the birth of a child as his personal mission doesn't hurt.
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Saturday, October 23, 2004
I'm Miss W, Thank You for Your Support
First, I would like to thank each of you who commented on my most recent post. Kris, Emily, as always I appreciate your kind words. It means so much to me.
Because I care about my readers, I am going to answer each of your posts in turn, starting with Kris because hers is highest up in my inbox. My news was GREAT! On Monday afternoon, my HCG was 1188. Wednesday morning it had reached 2417. Progesterone was well above 100 on both days (Thank you Prometrium!) I had another draw on Friday and will get the results Monday morning. At that point we will determine if there is a need to continue with the every other day needle to my arm. This is especially hard for me since I am a small person with small veins. Veins with a sense of humor; they perform such fun tricks as rolling away from the needle and giving no blood when the needle is in them, but spurting it across the room upon removal! Monday we will also schedule my first ultrasound as I reach the 6 week mark in the first half of the week. Again, Kris, thank you for your kind, kind words! I just can't quite express how hard it was for me to determine what to write next, but you helped me make that decision. And for that, I thank you.
And now, the next commenter in my inbox: the lovely AnonyMouse! I appreciate your (misguided) thoughts on my well-being. I will address each of your concerns in turn. First, I empathize with your struggles with anorexia. It's hellish getting through them, and frankly, we never are really "over" them. Just as I will also never truly be "over" the loss of my first two babies. However, I have been evaluated by a doctor who knows my history. And it has been determined that, through some miracle, I have not caused lasting damage to my body. I have a large support system in place to deal with this issue, including several close friends who are psychologists and have been through this struggle. I can assure you that should my anorexia return, I will immediately seek treatment because my child deserves a healthy mother. I would also like to thank you for pointing out that I could die as a result of my pregnancy. I know that without your tact and thoughtfulness, I might not have realized that. Except for one thing. I am an extremely well-educated and intelligent woman. I have been through a lot in my life and I know when to call it quits. My husband and I have discussed this factor. We are already seeing an obstetrics firm that handles the daily care of several high-risk patients and who work in tandem with a top perinatologist. I assure you that I am in good hands and that all precautions are being taken. I would also like to thank you for reminding me that adoption exists. My father and his wife adopted two children, but the presence of my siblings and the means through which they entered my family had slipped my mind! Additionally, I would like to point out that while adoption is an amazing institution, it is not something that I am going to do at this point. It has always been my plan to adopt and the decision has already been made that I am only going to go so far as two more pregnancy losses or one live child (whichever comes first) before having my tubes cut/tied. I am very thankful that your mother made the correct decision after having one child. (I will not be petty and insert the statement that was my first reaction, about how the gene pool has thankfully not become more shallow as a result of more like you being added--and to thank you for not further draining it. The shallow end is far too shallow as of late... But, in my Pollyanna way, I have chosen to believe that you meant no harm) I would next like to address your assertion that my child would be an orphan if I were to die. My husband would like for me to assure you that he has no intention of ever abandoning our child should something happen to me at any point (whether that be my death of old age when we have grown children, or a freak accident anytime before that). I can assure you that my husband is an intelligent, caring capable man. He has the income and the support system necessary to care for a child. But thank you for your concerns about his abilities. Your next comment confused me considerably. You stated that there are already too many orphans in this world, yet you had prevously encouraged me to adopt. If one were to follow your advice and not have children, all the children without families would immediately be adopted, and where would that leave us? Just a thought, but those comments were somewhat conflicting. My final comments to you are in regards to your discussion of my "genetic health issues." If you had fully read my post, or for that matter any of my previous posts, you would have realized that I have NO genetic health issues. My health issues (for which not a one has required medication in my entire life, nor have I had to have much surgery beyond the life-saving surgery as a newborn...and what I've had have been to remove scar tissue and "clean up" my outer scars which had been sloppily stitched) are as a result of the abuse my mother suffered at that hands of my father. Consider this a "basic genetics 101" lesson. Injuries received by one party are not genetically passed to their children. I have a scar on my chin from a go-carting accident as a child; my children will not have scars on their chin because of my accident. Neither will they have the problems that I have as they amount to "scars" caused by my father. My father has since changed to large extent, lives 12 hours away from me, and has never harmed me from the day I was born. I have no reason to think that he will now. I would also like to point out that I am not now, nor have I ever been in an abusive relationship of any sort. It is therefore highly unlikely that any of my problems will be passed on to my children. Especially when you consider that they are NOT a part of my genetic karyotype. (Which, if you are unaware, is a "mapping" of my genes) . In conclusion, AnonyMouse, I have thoroughly thought this through. I have seen every specialist in the book and have determined that my risks are only minimally higher than the average woman without my health concerns. And because I do have those issues, I will be receiving very attentive care from my health care professionals. Thank you for your concerns. I'm sure you "meant well."
The next comment was from the ever-wonderful (and quite well-spoken!) Emily. Thank you so much for coming to my defense. I really appreciate it. I promise you that since I got married in 2000, my husband and I have been going through the process of educating ourselves as to our potential for child bearing. There could still be problems, we just don't know yet. My losses could be caused from problematic eggs or some malformation of the uterus that has thus far been undetected by ultrasounds (done while pregnant and not) and the D&C's performed by the head of obstetrics. We are taking every precaution, as you already know, and will continue to do so. Just please, know how much I appreciate your support. Knowing that there is someone like you out there, on my side, just really makes things seem that much better. I hate that so many, like you, have come into my life under such horrible circumstances for all of us, but your (collective) support and sharing of your own experiences have helped me get through some really dark days and will, I'm sure continue to help me through the days that may come. I only hope that I can be of some comfort to you as well. Because trust me, you deserve it!
My final remarks for today are for "Anonymous." I thank you for your concerns as well. Your first line is flawed. I clearly stated in my recent post and in this post that my health problems were as a result of my father's abuse. But, since you were unable to get that when reading it the first time, I cannot be sure that you got it earlier in this post. Let me make it perfectly clear to you: I HAVE NO GENETIC HEALTH PROBLEMS TO PASS ON TO MY CHILD! And I am, in fact, NOT the reason for obstetric malpractice insurance to have risen to such a high number. I believe the people responsible for that are trial lawyers and those who would sue their doctors. I am not such a person. Unless a doctor makes an egregious error that would not have been committed by another doctor in the same position, I find there is no grounds for such lawsuits. In fact, because of my health issues and my extensive experience with doctors, I have learned that it is best to always research a doctor first, ensuring that you are seeing the best, and to FOLLOW THEIR INSTRUCTIONS. And they? Have said that not only is it possible for me to have a child but that I am EXACTLY the type of person who should: someone concerned about her own health and the health of her family, someone who has dedicated her entire life to caring for children as an inner-city teacher, someone who loves deeply and is respectful of all that she meets. I'm not sure that the same could be said of you, but that is a value judgement that I am not willing to make. You see, I only know your judgemental statements to me. I don't know the real you, or anything about you as you didn't post your name or any way to contact you.
So for all of my readers, no matter what your opinions of my choices: Thank you for caring. Thank you for supporting me during what is an extremely emotional time in my life. And please, when posting, leave my your e-mail addresses! I promise, all comments with an email address will be responded to in depth. Or, if you don't want to post it for all to see, feel free to e-mail me: Miss W
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Thursday, October 21, 2004
Why I'm a basketcase
Today I will know something. Finally. I have an intense fear that what I'll hear from Dr. P is that, silly girl, it was a false positive on that HPT. All those symptoms? Just a result of your progesterone supplement.
In my head, I know that is patently ridiculous. I just can't convince myself that this is real and this is normal. I am waiting for the bad news part of all of this. I mean, I haven't had any bleeding other than the implantation bleed around Oct. 12/13. I have no reason to suspect that there is anything wrong. No indications whatsoever. Except for my history. And that isn't good.
I'm afraid for other reasons, too. I'm afraid that everything WILL go smoothly. That the pregnancy will progress "normally." This is something that I'm also terrified of. One fear, a fear I had before I became pregnant the first time, is that of size. I'm 5' almost 1" to my husband's 6'4". My entire family are small, weighing at most 8 lbs at birth. His family are large. In fact, I believe that he weighed just over 10 lbs at birth and his sister 13! His mom weighed (I think) 12 and his grandmother FOURTEEN! So, I'll admit it, I'm scared.
I'm also a former anorexic. When I met my husband in 1998, I had relapsed without realizing it. It was after returning from the trip on which I met him that I weighed myself. And discovered that I weighed 87 pounds. My all-time low, when I realized I had a problem and through sheer will forced myself to begin eating again (no therapists for this ever, so it was harder than it should have been), was 82 pounds. I'm afraid of the weight gain. More than that, I'm afraid of the weight loss after.
Then I have the fears that could actually be a problem. The ones that made my doctors tell me when I was 16 that while I could get pregnant, I shouldn't. Ever. Since then other doctors have re-evaluated and given the green light, but I'm scared nonetheless. It is a high risk. We all know it. My father beat my mother. Regularly. She only recalls twice while she knew she was pregnant, but in that all-important first 6 or 8 weeks, she simply didn't know. Likely he did hurt her then. I mean, this is the man who pushed her down not one but TWO flights of stairs at 6 months for "walking too slow." The same man who pulled a mattress out from under her at 6-8 months because she was "taking too much room on MY mattress." I was, obviously, born near the end of their marriage. He left when I was 2. But the effects of his abuse are permanent. Don't get me wrong, please. I do love my father and I do NOT blame him for any of my problems. When asked how I can keep myself from hating him for what he has done (indirectly) to me, my answer is always the same. It is my history that has made me who I am. I wouldn't choose to have grown up in and out of the children's hospital, but that has made me such a better person than I otherwise would have been. I can't imagine a life any other way.
But those problems concern me now. I have scoliosis. A severe, S-curve, that spirals two complete revolutions. The scoliosis is caused by a malformed vertebrae in my neck. Which has also damaged my spinal cord in that area. A fear if I gain too much weight is that it could sever my spinal cord there, or it could put enough pressure there to further damage the cord. This could be a problem. My orthopedic surgeon assures me that this is now only about a 1% chance, that since I have stopped growing, the curve has finally stopped worsening.
I only have one functional lung and a slight heart murmur. My cardio-pulmonologist says that since I am not medicated for either, since my heart murmur is so slight as to be missed by many a physician (for fun, as a child it's how I "tested" new doctors? Can't hear it? A 7-year old's tongue lashing can make a resident shake! FUN!) and since I can handle a 90 minute aerobics class at the gym, then these should not cause a problem, but will be monitored.
I only have one kidney. The other one never developed. My doctors have all assured me that people with one kidney give birth all the time. I just have to stay hydrated. Watch out for citric acid. Still, I have to say, the scenes at the end of Steel Magnolias, when Julia Roberts is dying because her TWO kidneys gave out during pregnancy? Yeah, that haunts me.
The final part of my history that makes me shake is that I was one of 13 babies in the U.S. born in 1977 with a diaphragmatic hernia. This means my diaphragm didn't fully develop so that at first breath, all organs are sucked from the abdominal cavity through the gaping hole in the diaphragm and into the chest cavity (thus more damage to my underdeveloped lung rendering it basically useless). The doctors created the hernia once all organs were put back in place. Of the 13 babies, only 2 of us survived. For years, her doctors and my doctors wanted us to meet. To examine us both together, compare records. Then one day they stopped asking. I don't know if she is still alive, or if maybe her team of doctors had changed and the new team wasn't interested. I only know that it is rare. That at birth I only had a 1% survival rate. That my 24-year-old mother was terrified (and has asked me to please not have an epidural as hers was what prevented her from going from the local hospital to the state children's hospital with me). I know that many with diaphragmatic hernia can't carry children, but many can and do, without worries. Still, I'm scared.
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Monday, October 18, 2004
Dr. P: My Hero!
I called my OB's office today at 11:30. I left a message for Dr. P and he returned my call by 1:15! (Note that my doctor calls me back in under two hours, while his nurse takes two calls and doesn't get back to me until 5:30 pm!)
As soon as I answered the phone, Dr. P practically shouts into my ear "And we're off! You must be nervous. You're nervous aren't you?" He really gets it. He and I devised a plan. I rushed to the lab today for a quantitative HCG + progesterone. I will have another draw Wednesday and a third on Friday. Dr. P told me when he would be in each of the three offices for the next week. He asked that rather than call the main number, I call directly to the office he is working at as he wants me to speak only to him. I'm to call him on Thursday to discuss the numbers from today and Wednesday. Once he determines that the bloodwork looks normal and things continue to look and feel normal on my end (read there is no bleeding in my nether regions) we can then discuss appointments, ultrasounds and the like. He doesn't want me to go through the hassle of registering as a pregnant patient again until we have fairly good reason to believe that we aren't repeating previous patterns. He doesn't want me to have to suffer through getting all of the "so you're having a baby" crap they give in those first appointments.
At this point, there is no more spotting. But I do have some cramps. Still, I know that my uterus is in the process of enlarging and every pregnant woman feels them. They don't last long. They aren't severe. Just...there.
Yet I will be ok. I have a solid support system in place. I'm ready to deal with whatever it is that comes my way. Unless it's actually a baby. That's the one thing I'm NOT expecting yet. The one thing that suddenly has me scared out of my wits. What will I do if I actually have a baby???
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Saturday, October 16, 2004
Rambling Thoughts
I can't relax. I don't know how. It's impossible. I'm trying, but I can't.
There's a slight bit of brown cervical mucus. I'm trying really hard to remind myself that it's likely from the implantation bleeding Tuesday night/Wednesday. Except that everytime I tell myself that, my next thought is, "Then why wasn't it there Thursday or Friday?"
I'm calling Monday to start scheduling appointments and all. I know that I'll be due around June 20th (some calculators say as early as June 17, some as late as June 23). I know that if we wait to 7 weeks like the last time, I'll be having an ultrasound in the first week of November. In my head, I know that is only two weeks from now. I just don't know if my sanity will last that long.
(You will always know when my sanity is near breaking (like today): That's when I ramble incessantly!)
In other news, in an hour we're going to go out with my in-laws. I don't think we're telling them that I'm pregnant. I told my husband today that this doesn't make any sense to me. He says that he doesn't want to go through the untelling people again. Except that if I miscarry, his parents are going to know that I was pregnat. He said we wouldn't wait that long to tell him. I reminded him that last time I miscarried at 7 weeks and the time before that at 10 weeks, so technically by his logic we are going to tell them within the next 2-5 weeks. And seriously? What's the point in that when we're seeing them today? Chances are, they'll find out today when I either continuously fall asleep in the car, fail to prevent myself from looking at baby clothes (or refuse to look at regular clothes for me because why buy any now?), or throw up (yes, I have a symptom. It hasn't happened yet, but I feel like it could at any second).
WHY does pregnancy have to suck so much for people like us? Seriously, we should be the ones who get to fully enjoy it and be happy and excited. Instead, we're the nervous wrecks who take everything to mean that we've lost our children again. It's just not fair.
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Friday, October 15, 2004
The Pattern Holds
Things have finally been made clear to me. My husband finally convinced me to test again this morning. It was positive before I could even look at the clock to start timing the test. My husband, when I told him, said "and you're starting to glow again!" I laughed and said, "No, honey, that's a smile. You just haven't seen one of those on my face in a LONG time."
Now, please, don't congratulate me. If you know anything about my history, you know that I don't make it through the first trimester. Maybe this time will be different. But at least I know I'm that much closer. I'll either have a baby, or I'll see an RE who will help me have a baby.
I told my mom. She's worried because of the implantation bleed. Because I had that with my first pregnancy and we all know what a disaster that was. Scott and I are nervous about that too.
So, now I'm waiting for the doctor's callback. I called an hour ago and the nurse is supposed to call me back. Can't they just be immediate? I mean, seriously! Don't they realize how impatient I am???
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Thursday, October 14, 2004
Abundant Confusion
My period started Tuesday night. It was a normal amount of red blood. I grabbed the tampon and cried. I went about my day. My period was nothing more than brown spotting. I woke up this morning and realized that I have had not one drop of blood since about mid-day Wednesday. I have no idea what this means. I stopped taking my progesterone after Tuesday night. My temperature has not started to come down yet (in fact, it's gone up). I have no symptoms of anything.
I don't know what is going on with my body. I don't know if today is cd3, or if it's cd 35. Am I 15 dpo then? My husband, cute though he is, wants me to test again. He says he thinks maybe just maybe it's possible that that was an implantation bleed as I only had ONE instance of red blood and it was so short-lived. But at the end of my 13th day after ovulation, I find that hard to believe. I just wish I understood what is going on.
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Simba-lism and Insanity
I cried myself to sleep last night, wrapped tightly in my husband's arms. My period started right before bed.
I had fitful dreams. Dreams that I don't even understand the implications of. Lately, I've had dreams of being attacked by tigers. The so-called "big cats" have been prominant in my dreams for the past month. Last night was no exception.
I dreamed that my husband and I lived in my parents house. And my husband was some kind of Siegfried (possibly Roy, though entirely un-gay). He took me into the family room where all the cats (and also some bears, but little bears) were penned in...by a baby gate. A baby gate that they didn't realize they could knock over simply by breathing on it. A lioness was pregnant. So was a calico house cat. They were both in labor and my thoughtful husband felt that I should "experience" this. The house cat crawled onto my back as I lay beside the lioness, coated in their mixed blood, with more coming at each contraction. (Note I have limited knowledge of animal birthings, so this is sort of my own twisted version). The male lion kept circling this platform we were on. I was terrified, begging to leave. I just wanted to go on the other side of the baby gate. So, my husband opened it and the rest of the house quickly became filled with lions, tigers, leopards, bears and cougars. I was so scared. I tried to go (slowly, because everyone knows when you run, the big cats [and also bears] attack) to my childhood bedroom but this super-hairy cat that looked bob-catish (but with a LONG fluffy tail) was pacing in front of that door. So I got on the kitchen table and pulled blankets over my head. I didn't question the presence of blankets on the table. It only occurs to me now that this was odd. My husband attended the delivery of the lioness. Then he came in and I was crying with lions circling me. He magically got the lions, the few small bears, and the rest of the cats into the family room and penned them in with the baby gate. Then he went in the bathroom to pee. He left the door open and I was somehow in my current bedroom hiding under my covers saying "it smells like skunk in here, was there a skunk?" He told me the smell was the big pile of lion poop on the bathroom floor. I said "Oh," and turned my head. There, crouched beside my nightstand was a lioness, licking its lips and looking at me.
At this point, it was 6:30 and my alarm woke me to take my temperature. My husband was in the bathroom shaving. I ran out of our room, crying, shaking, putting my fingers in my mouth the way small children do when they are scared. I told him my dream and he laughed. He referred to our Siamese cats as "simbas." I screamed and cried and shook. I finally said that I knew there were no lions or tigers, or even small bears in our house. But I was still scared. Terrified. Just now, the air conditioning kicked on (we're of the rare sort that leave the AC going until we need the heat. There is no "off" in our house) and I jumped. I'm still afraid. My cat bumped my desk chair and I nearly screamed.
It is at this point that I'm pretty sure I am quite insane. Maybe I'm just tired. I have a midterm at 6:30 tonight, and I'm carrying a good deal of stress. But maybe, just maybe, I should actually start considering the possibility of some form of counseling. And readers, few though you may be, please, don't tell me to do it. I'm just not ready to admit I've let it get that bad yet. Because maybe I haven't. Maybe.
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The Power of We
Why do we do this to ourselves? And by we, I mean me, but lets pretend I'm talking about all of us so that I don't feel like a great big freak.
Each month, we convince ourselves that we are, in fact, pregnant. We poke and we prod our breasts. When we think they are "tender to the touch" we start asking our spouses to poke and prod them. We have indigestion in the luteal phase? We're pregnant. We're tired? We're pregnant. Never mind that we're now taking a progesterone supplement that gives us those feelings. Even when we weren't, we invented those symptoms.
And then, one day, like today, we wake up. And we realize that we have NO symptoms. We realize that this could be because it's time for our morning progesterone pill and know that within a short window after taking that pill, all of our symptoms will be back and we can go on in our disillusioned belief that we are, in fact, pregnant again.
And now, we're looking at our pattern. (Ok, this we stuff is getting ridiculous unless for this paragraph I suddenly have MPD, and have about 5 women living in my body, this part probably DOESN"T apply to you) So I'm looking at MY pattern. When my husband and I started trying last fall, I got pregnant in the second month of trying, though I didn't know it due to actually HAVING my period in the 3rd month (though it was abnormal, it wasn't markedly so until I had a positive test a few weeks later, and I measured 2 weeks larger than that period would indicate, but 2 weeks smaller than the one the month before). I miscarried in February. I didn't start trying again until April. My positive came in May. My miscarriage came in June. I didn't try in July due to the testing. We tried again in August. Then my September cycle...which is still going. Cycle day 33, 13 DPO. If I were to hold true to pattern, I would get a positive this month. And I thought I had with that blasted ClearBlue Easy. But two First Response Earlys later, I'm still negative. I've decided that I'm not testing again until tomorrow or Thursday.
I'm afraid that I'm going to add something new to my pattern now. That it could become difficult for me to get pregnant, or at least take longer. I'm terrified of it, actually. So far I've been a "fertile infertile," but what happens if I'm not now? I know its ridiculous (and maybe offensive to those who have this problem) for me to think along these lines. I have no reason to think it might be the case. It's just that in terms of having a child, getting pregnant has been the one thing I can do. Taking progesterone has been something I can do to feel that I'm helping make it through any future pregnancies. But what if it's harder now?
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Monday, October 11, 2004
Tour of Depression
Welcome to Depression, the fabulous museum set up in honor of Hope's prison breaks. If you're lucky, you may even get to see the chamber where the Depression guards try to keep her chained to the wall.
If you read my last post, then you know about my possible positive. You also know I bought a box of First Response Early. You don't know that I used one of them Sunday morning. And that it was a perfect NEGATIVE. So I spent the day saying, "Yes, but it's only 11 DPO. That's too early to know. I'm pregnant, damn it. I'M PREGNANT DO YOU HEAR ME FRER???? GET WITH IT AND PUT THAT SECOND LINE ON THERE!!!"
My symptoms grew to include not just the achy breasts, but slight tenderness to the touch. The acid reflux has grown to include nausea. My nipples have changed color slightly. My skin has been breaking out for a week and I never break out like this. I'll have the occasional spot (Thank you, international bloggers for giving me something to use other than "zit" which I have always hated!). But I never have the all out fire of acne that my face has become. Except for once. When I was pregnant the first time.
I tested again this morning. Cycle day 32. Twelve days past ovulation. I was so sure that I would see that elusive second line. But not even the most optimistic squinter could see a second line if she held it up to a 1,000-watt bulb. It's just not there. It's just negative.
Don't mind me while I take a tour through Depression where I'll hear again and again how the prison guards managed to capture the wily Hope yet again. Maybe they'll even take me to the antechamber where they sit and laugh at her, bound, gagged and chained to the wall.
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Saturday, October 09, 2004
Big fat...Nothing?!?!
Today is cd 30. I am 10 dpo. I realize that 10 dpo is a bit early to test. But I've just been so tired this week. And I've had such indigestion/acid reflux. But no sore boobs. No actual nausea (just the acidy hell). Some slight cramping here and there.
So last night my darling husband asked me to test. I pulled out a leftover EPT and waited. And waited. And waited. And nothing appeared. No result line. No control line. I looked at the wrapper. Expiration date: 10/2004. Yes folks, I wasted my precious urine on an EXPIRED test! And when they say it expires in October 2004, they mean it! Don't expect anything from one of those!
This morning, I tested again using a Clear Blue Easy that came free with my OPKs this month. It never seemed to finish testing. Maybe I should have been more awake or had to pee less. It actually LEAKED when I picked it up to look. Went out for the day thinking that it had looked like it was going to start to maybe be positive. Poked my boobs every chance I got (folks, I poked them in IKEA, in Coach, in Burberry, in Neiman Marcus...) and still they weren't tender to the touch (though they have the occasional achy feeling).
When I got home, there was a very faint plus in the now dry test. VERY faint. I don't know that this means anything because of course it's been more than 12 hours since I tested. But I did buy some First Response Early on my way home.
Here's hoping that I hold true to part of my pattern--a positive on the 2nd month of trying. Of course, while that has happened both times previously, I am kind of hoping that that is as close to my previous pattern as I get. I can do without the whole miscarriage part this time, thank you very much.
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Monday, October 04, 2004
Use the Force, Laura!
I have a confession to make. Friday I was depressed. Really depressed. And before bed, I told my husband that I just needed to see some of my friends from college. They are so kind, so loving, so FUNNY and strong. I could go on, but you get the idea. The last time that I saw some of them was in April 2003 when we threw a surprise one-year-after-the-wedding-shower/birthday party for another friend. They came to the New York Metro area from such exotic locales as Indiana, Pennsylvania and Chicago. And brought with them such intense LIFE.
And then I went through a series of computer crashes and new anti-spam software and a new PC and a new email server. And I lost all of my contact information, from phone numbers to email addresses. (I knew I should have put it in my actual Hallmark address book!)
I googled my dear, dear friend Laura and found, to my surprise, her wedding photos! Laura was married October 18, 2003. And if the pictures are any indication, she found someone truly worthy of her. Someone who can take as much joy in flying monkeys instead of tossing rice, someone who loves that she is so effervescent, so unique and so incredibly full of love: love of life, of color, of nature, of God... I am just so incredibly in awe of this woman, who likes the circus I am pretty sure. My one regret is that my communication lines were down, otherwise, I would have been right there in Chicago to present the bride with ruby slippers.
I love you Laura Scruggs! Congratulations!
(If I knew how, I would post the picture of their gorgeous Wizard of Oz wedding cake complete with yellow brick road, poppy field, Emerald City, and Dorothy and the Scarecrow on top. Take it from me, that cake below the Cowardly Lion pinata took my breath away--as did the photo of Murray wearing a funnel as a hat beside the cake)
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Sunday, October 03, 2004
I'll believe it *IF* I see it
Well, here I am. At the start of an agonizing "two week" wait. Last month my two week wait, after late ovulation, lasted all of 9 days before my period came with a raging vengeance 3 days early. So, this month, with ovulation on cd20, I have no idea when to expect anything.
I think that is one thing that the journey I've embarked on this year has taught me: count on nothing. Positive HPT? So what! Bleeding during pregnancy? Your baby is fine, you're just a bleeder. No more bleeding? Not really a good thing; your baby is dead. Late ovulation? No worries, you'll get your period early anyway.
So it is with great fear that I wait for my period. Because even if it doesn't come, it doesn't mean I'll have a baby. THAT is something I won't put any faith in until the last possible minute (like maybe when my husband is trying not to pass out while cutting the umbilical cord).
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